How to help a friend in grief

Grief is not a cheery subject, but it is something we are all going to have to deal with at some time. And even though it isn't cheery, it is a sacred emotion that deserves our best efforts.
How can we help friends or family members who have lost someone they love? It's not something we generally know much about until it happens.
An important principle to remember is that your aim is to sensitively facilitate the person's expression of grief. As much as you might want to protect her (or him), it's better to do nothing than to say and do things that block or suppress that grief, even though it is uncomfortable.
Grief is not something we can get around. It has to be felt and expressed so we are not stuck with it and unable to move on. Your job as a friend is to offer a safe space where that can happen. Unresolved grief can lead to a range of problems of its own.
 (Subhead) Normal reactions to grief
All of the following are normal reactions: frequent crying; anger; dreams about the deceased; guilt; the need to talk about the person; the need for privacy; relief; yearning; disbelief and numbness; and a range of physical symptoms including sleeplessness or a need for more than usual sleep, stomach aches, headaches, irritableness, depression, yawning or sighing a lot, shakiness, chills.
These symptoms can emerge at any time. Of course, if the physical symptoms persist, it's best to have them checked by a doctor to rule out other causes.
(Subhead) Good grief
Back in the late 1980s, William Worden, an eminent grief and trauma specialist, came up with four 'tasks of mourning' which now form the basis of modern grief counselling. They are:
• To accept the reality of the loss.
• To work through the pain of grief.
• To adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing.
• To emotionally relocate the deceased and move on with life.
It is regarded as healthy to complete each of these tasks rather than becoming stuck on any one. The process to take up to two to three years and sometimes longer.
Completing the tasks doesn't mean the person is now 'over'
her loss, but that she has accepted it as part of her life.
(subhead) What You Can Do
• Tell your friend you're sorry for her loss. If you can't telephone, write a letter or send a card, preferably a blank one so you can use your own words. This is one occasion when text messages and emails just aren't good enough.
• Acknowledge how tough this time must be for her, so she feels you understand. Say, for example, "This must be so hard for you."
• Say how much you liked [use the person's name], if this is the case, and how you will miss him or her too. Later on you might be able to share some fond memories or photographs of being with that person.
• Ask your friend what would be most helpful to her right now - for instance, taking care of children, doing the shopping, driving her to appointments, bringing a cooked meal. Tell her you really want her to give you a job.
• Let her talk as much as she wants to about her experience of loss and the deceased. Gently draw more of her feelings and thoughts out by asking questions in a respectful manner.
• Just be there, a quiet presence in the background, tidying the kitchen, making cups of tea, taking her for a walk in the park. Be comfortable with her silences.
• Where possible, and only if you can genuinely mean it, reassure her she is doing a good job - for instance, in organising the funeral, dealing with relatives, or taking care of herself.
This approach can be applied to dealing with many of life's losses apart from the obvious one of bereavement. This is because so many of our problems stem from loss of one kind or another - from loss of a job to loss of youth to loss of home or our vision of the future. Shaking them off doesn't serve us well. We need to properly grieve for all of these things in order to come to accept them and move on.