How to refresh your relationship

Of course, if the horse is dead, as the saying goes, it’s time to dismount. Get out of the saddle, leave the track, call for the undertaker. But if there’s some life in the old nag yet, and you really would miss her if she were gone, step up into those stirrups and kick.

The subject of your relationship is a serious one, of course. I’m being intentionally playful here because an element of fun is often what’s missing, particularly when we start to think about what’s not working. The idea of ‘trying’ to make a relationship work can seem all too hard. Shouldn’t it just work if it’s good, if it’s ‘meant to be’?

Well, no. Every long-term relationship that ever was has had times of conflict, boredom and uncertainty (even HM The Queen's, I read recently). Relationships are not static things; they’re dynamic, thank goodness, and this means they need fresh creative input from time to time to keep them alive.

Obviously, if you have decided to read this article, chances are your relationship is feeling a bit flat just now. Maybe you have even thought about leaving, but you know deep down you’d really rather not. So how do you go about getting happier?

Here are a few ideas.

• Take an honest look at yourself in the relationship. Consider the possibility that if you’re not happy, it’s likely your partner isn’t either. Perhaps you are sexually restless and the resentment you consequently feel is making you criticise him (or her) more. Perhaps your partner’s ageing is a reminder of something you’d prefer not to remember about yourself. How are you making him feel? And how does that make you feel?

• Think about what you would like from your lover that might help you to feel more connected and appreciated. Now do those things for him, generously and with no expectation of receiving them in turn. Why? Because it is absolutely true that you can’t change the other person. Even trying to do so sends the wrong message because we all want to be loved just as we are. What you can improve is your behaviour towards him, and that will in turn begin to improve your relationship.

• Remember what attracted you to this partner in the first place. Which of those qualities do you still admire and what else have you come to appreciate along the way? Write a list. Could you share this information with him?

Sometimes in long-term relationships people forget to compliment their partners, yet this can be so nurturing.

Apart from just making your partner feel good, it’s important to let him [or her, of course*] know you find him attractive if you want to keep your sex life alive. It’s likely he will start to compliment you more often as well, but this is not the purpose of the exercise. Just wait and see, with no expectations. It’s very important not to start a ledger.

• How are you feeling about yourself? Are you happy at work, stressed or needing a change? Do you need some more variety or just a more balanced existence, for example? Quite apart from having fun with your partner, do you need to pursue more interests of your own?

Ideally, both partners in a marriage or similar relationship have a solid sense of who they are and are free to keep developing as individuals. It is when one person leans too heavily on the other for their identity and fulfilment, or when both are going in completely separate directions that things tend to go wrong. Interdependence in the form of teamwork, as well as a high level of respect for each other’s individuality, are important factors in successful marriages.

• Think of your partner as someone you don’t know rather than someone you know all too well. Turn off the TV and talk. Find out more about him. Ask questions about his childhood, for example, and how he felt growing up. What could be sexier than having someone lovingly interested in who you are and what’s important to you? I’m betting that your interest will be returned.

• Tell him how you’re feeling about your relationship – sad, for instance, that you seem to take each other for granted now, or whatever is true for you. Do this without blaming and with love. This will help him to understand your new behaviour towards him and he will see what you’re trying to do. The worst that can happen is that he doesn’t respond; mostly likely though, he will appreciate your efforts, intimacy will grow, and you’ll both start to have a lot more fun.

* In order not to have clumsy him/her constructions, I have written as though to heterosexual women. In doing this, I do not intend to exclude straight men or homosexual people.

How to help a friend in grief

Grief is not a cheery subject, but it is something we are all going to have to deal with at some time. And even though it isn't cheery, it is a sacred emotion that deserves our best efforts.
How can we help friends or family members who have lost someone they love? It's not something we generally know much about until it happens.
An important principle to remember is that your aim is to sensitively facilitate the person's expression of grief. As much as you might want to protect her (or him), it's better to do nothing than to say and do things that block or suppress that grief, even though it is uncomfortable.
Grief is not something we can get around. It has to be felt and expressed so we are not stuck with it and unable to move on. Your job as a friend is to offer a safe space where that can happen. Unresolved grief can lead to a range of problems of its own.
 (Subhead) Normal reactions to grief
All of the following are normal reactions: frequent crying; anger; dreams about the deceased; guilt; the need to talk about the person; the need for privacy; relief; yearning; disbelief and numbness; and a range of physical symptoms including sleeplessness or a need for more than usual sleep, stomach aches, headaches, irritableness, depression, yawning or sighing a lot, shakiness, chills.
These symptoms can emerge at any time. Of course, if the physical symptoms persist, it's best to have them checked by a doctor to rule out other causes.
(Subhead) Good grief
Back in the late 1980s, William Worden, an eminent grief and trauma specialist, came up with four 'tasks of mourning' which now form the basis of modern grief counselling. They are:
• To accept the reality of the loss.
• To work through the pain of grief.
• To adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing.
• To emotionally relocate the deceased and move on with life.
It is regarded as healthy to complete each of these tasks rather than becoming stuck on any one. The process to take up to two to three years and sometimes longer.
Completing the tasks doesn't mean the person is now 'over'
her loss, but that she has accepted it as part of her life.
(subhead) What You Can Do
• Tell your friend you're sorry for her loss. If you can't telephone, write a letter or send a card, preferably a blank one so you can use your own words. This is one occasion when text messages and emails just aren't good enough.
• Acknowledge how tough this time must be for her, so she feels you understand. Say, for example, "This must be so hard for you."
• Say how much you liked [use the person's name], if this is the case, and how you will miss him or her too. Later on you might be able to share some fond memories or photographs of being with that person.
• Ask your friend what would be most helpful to her right now - for instance, taking care of children, doing the shopping, driving her to appointments, bringing a cooked meal. Tell her you really want her to give you a job.
• Let her talk as much as she wants to about her experience of loss and the deceased. Gently draw more of her feelings and thoughts out by asking questions in a respectful manner.
• Just be there, a quiet presence in the background, tidying the kitchen, making cups of tea, taking her for a walk in the park. Be comfortable with her silences.
• Where possible, and only if you can genuinely mean it, reassure her she is doing a good job - for instance, in organising the funeral, dealing with relatives, or taking care of herself.
This approach can be applied to dealing with many of life's losses apart from the obvious one of bereavement. This is because so many of our problems stem from loss of one kind or another - from loss of a job to loss of youth to loss of home or our vision of the future. Shaking them off doesn't serve us well. We need to properly grieve for all of these things in order to come to accept them and move on.

Married to an only child? What you need to know

Having discussed the importance of birth order previously, I'd now like to have a closer look at the only child. With the number of only children increasing in our society, it's useful to understand these often delightful individuals, particularly if you find yourself married to one (see footnote).
You might be an only child yourself, in which case this article might help you to know and accept yourself more. Or, like an increasing number of Australians, you might be the parent of an only child. (In the most recent census, 13.2 per cent of women aged 40 to 44 years had just one child compared with 8 per cent in 1981.)
As with all birth positions, being an only child comes with advantages and disadvantages. The key benefits are that only children tend to do well academically and tend to have a healthy self-esteem. On the down side, they can feel more pressured than other people and take things more to heart.
In previous generations, having an only child was most often due to some misfortune such as divorce or death or secondary infertility. In contemporary society, however, choice is much more of a factor, along with divorce and the tendency to have children later.
In marriage or a similar partnership, being aware of the following only-child traits will help you to have a more harmonious life, if you can make allowances for them:
• Only children need more time and space to themselves than other people do. As children they learnt to enjoy their own games and fantasy life and consequently could feel interrupted by the attentions of their interested, well-intentioned parents.
• Not surprisingly, they don't like being interrupted when they're absorbed in a project or, for example, a quiet period of reading (although they will interrupt others). Choose your moment sensitively - they will appreciate it.  
• They can easily feel suffocated by relationships.
• They can be prone to the odd tantrum.
• They like to be organised and have a schedule. They're likely to be the list-makers among us.
• To make up for not having siblings, only children will often form very strong bonds with particular friends. They are also likely to create a substitute family from their wider circle.
Naturally, only children share many of the characteristics ascribed to first-born children. After all, they are first-borns too. The main difference is that they never experienced being displaced by a new arrival, and the pang of jealousy that can accompany that.
Life without siblings can also mean that only children will take disagreements very personally. They haven't learnt in the normal daily run of things that it's possible to be furious with someone in the morning and best friends again in the afternoon.
Growing up, only children haven't had to take turns for the shower or the right to choose television programs, so they can be impatient - explosive even - when things don't go their way. They're also not great with surprises and sudden changes of plan.
Only children seem to have an even stronger need for recognition than other first-borns, which comes from wanting to please their parents so much. For some, this need will never be satisfactorily filled. They can be quite hard on themselves, and this can be frustrating for loved ones who want them to be happy with what they have.
Many factors act to strengthen or dilute the characteristics of any birth position, and one of the most important is the parents' relationship. Given the intensity of the only child's relationship with the parents, in general this will impact on them more than for children with siblings.
One of the greatest difficulties for only children comes later in life, when they have to care for their ageing parents with no one else who can share the emotional and physical burden in quite the same way. Losing their parents can be devastating, particularly when the remaining one passes away. Suddenly there's no one who shares their memories of significant episodes in their early family life, and this is a lonely place.
If you're married to an only child who is experiencing this, be gentle. You can't fill this aching gap, and you might even experience some underlying resentment from them for that, but you can try to be as patient and empathetic as possible.

Footnote: My husband and child are both much-adored only children.

Birth order: what yours might say about you

Anyone who has brothers and sisters, or even just one of either, will know that siblings can be remarkably different. Despite having the same parents and largely the same childhood environment, sometimes they can be as different as people who aren't related at all.
Why is this?
The order in which you were born contributes significantly to your personality. Many studies have been done on birth order and some generalisations can now be made about its impact.
Keep in mind that these are generalisations and overlaps can occur. Blended families, age gaps between siblings and gender differences all put their own special colour into the mix.
The key reason why siblings are so different comes down to a case of survival strategy. Competing for their parents' love and attention, it makes sense for siblings to develop characteristics that distinguish them from the ones who arrived earlier.

The first-born child
Children born first in the family have both the privilege of being the eldest and the disadvantage of having inexperienced parents. They are the only children in the family who bask for a time in the adoring glow of their parents' undivided attention. This can be either an advantage or a disadvantage, but generally will contribute to a sturdy self-esteem.
Any children who come next will have parents who are more confident and relaxed about their parenting, and this is likely to free those children in turn from being worriers themselves.
First-born children often tend to be quite conscientious, high-achieving, responsible and able to assume leadership roles. They are the ones most like their parents, who maintain their parents' values. If they have younger siblings, they are also likely to be nurturing and protective.
Of course, only children are also first-borns, so they share these characteristics as well as some that come from not having experienced the rough and tumble of daily life with siblings. For a start, they have less need to control others.
Sensitive to criticism (like other first-borns), only children can also find it hard to realise a person who is angry now can be your best friend again later.

Latter-borns
While individual characteristics can be attributed to both middle and youngest children, they also have some characteristics in common just by not being first-borns. These younger siblings tend to be more adventurous and more likely to question the status quo. Throughout history, they have been the people who have made the scientific breakthroughs, discovered new worlds and challenged the conventional wisdom of their day.

The middle spot
Children in the middle miss out on the feeling of being special that comes with the privileged eldest position or the precious 'baby of the family' place. At the same time, they are the only ones who know what it is like to be both a younger sibling and an older one. This tends to make them empathetic people who are able to adapt well and get along with all types. They can be good negotiators and diplomats.
Middle children might be a bit confused about their identity and importance in the scheme of things. They are often quite different to the other children in the family, even in terms of physical appearance, as a means of attracting attention.
It is sometimes said that in families of four children, the third child will take on the characteristics of a middle child.

The last-born
Many people who are the youngest in their families continue to look young and display child-like qualities well into old age. They have the easiest route through childhood in some ways, in that there is always someone there to help and advise them, but this can have the disadvantage of preventing them from becoming fully independent. They often choose older spouses, possibly as an unconscious way of guaranteeing continued support.
The youngest never have to deal with being displaced in their position. They tend to be charming, free-spirited types who often go into creative fields.

Not better or worse
It's important not to get caught up in thinking one birth position is better than another. They all have pluses and minuses. The aim is to have compassion for yourself and others and understand how your different positions influence how you interact.