How to refresh your relationship

Of course, if the horse is dead, as the saying goes, it’s time to dismount. Get out of the saddle, leave the track, call for the undertaker. But if there’s some life in the old nag yet, and you really would miss her if she were gone, step up into those stirrups and kick.

The subject of your relationship is a serious one, of course. I’m being intentionally playful here because an element of fun is often what’s missing, particularly when we start to think about what’s not working. The idea of ‘trying’ to make a relationship work can seem all too hard. Shouldn’t it just work if it’s good, if it’s ‘meant to be’?

Well, no. Every long-term relationship that ever was has had times of conflict, boredom and uncertainty (even HM The Queen's, I read recently). Relationships are not static things; they’re dynamic, thank goodness, and this means they need fresh creative input from time to time to keep them alive.

Obviously, if you have decided to read this article, chances are your relationship is feeling a bit flat just now. Maybe you have even thought about leaving, but you know deep down you’d really rather not. So how do you go about getting happier?

Here are a few ideas.

• Take an honest look at yourself in the relationship. Consider the possibility that if you’re not happy, it’s likely your partner isn’t either. Perhaps you are sexually restless and the resentment you consequently feel is making you criticise him (or her) more. Perhaps your partner’s ageing is a reminder of something you’d prefer not to remember about yourself. How are you making him feel? And how does that make you feel?

• Think about what you would like from your lover that might help you to feel more connected and appreciated. Now do those things for him, generously and with no expectation of receiving them in turn. Why? Because it is absolutely true that you can’t change the other person. Even trying to do so sends the wrong message because we all want to be loved just as we are. What you can improve is your behaviour towards him, and that will in turn begin to improve your relationship.

• Remember what attracted you to this partner in the first place. Which of those qualities do you still admire and what else have you come to appreciate along the way? Write a list. Could you share this information with him?

Sometimes in long-term relationships people forget to compliment their partners, yet this can be so nurturing.

Apart from just making your partner feel good, it’s important to let him [or her, of course*] know you find him attractive if you want to keep your sex life alive. It’s likely he will start to compliment you more often as well, but this is not the purpose of the exercise. Just wait and see, with no expectations. It’s very important not to start a ledger.

• How are you feeling about yourself? Are you happy at work, stressed or needing a change? Do you need some more variety or just a more balanced existence, for example? Quite apart from having fun with your partner, do you need to pursue more interests of your own?

Ideally, both partners in a marriage or similar relationship have a solid sense of who they are and are free to keep developing as individuals. It is when one person leans too heavily on the other for their identity and fulfilment, or when both are going in completely separate directions that things tend to go wrong. Interdependence in the form of teamwork, as well as a high level of respect for each other’s individuality, are important factors in successful marriages.

• Think of your partner as someone you don’t know rather than someone you know all too well. Turn off the TV and talk. Find out more about him. Ask questions about his childhood, for example, and how he felt growing up. What could be sexier than having someone lovingly interested in who you are and what’s important to you? I’m betting that your interest will be returned.

• Tell him how you’re feeling about your relationship – sad, for instance, that you seem to take each other for granted now, or whatever is true for you. Do this without blaming and with love. This will help him to understand your new behaviour towards him and he will see what you’re trying to do. The worst that can happen is that he doesn’t respond; mostly likely though, he will appreciate your efforts, intimacy will grow, and you’ll both start to have a lot more fun.

* In order not to have clumsy him/her constructions, I have written as though to heterosexual women. In doing this, I do not intend to exclude straight men or homosexual people.