Thinking of making a change?

There it is again, that niggling desire to make a change in your life. Tap, tap, tapping you on the shoulder. It keeps popping up, wanting your attention.
It might be an unfulfilled creative interest that’s been on your mind for years, a bad habit you want to break, the regular exercise you never get around to, or another career or course of study you’d like to begin. It's likely to help you to feel more fulfilled, more true to yourself, but somehow now is just never the right time.
If the desire to make a change has been that incessant, however, it’s probably time to listen to your heart and give it some air.
Most of us know what it’s like to linger in the waiting mode. Waiting for more time, more money, the right moment, the inspiration, a sign to give us permission to have a go at something new.
When I conducted a poll asking people what they would like to change about themselves or their lives, no one replied “Nothing”. The majority (possibly like you?) wanted to get healthier, whether by stopping smoking, eating less, meditating regularly, exercising more or reducing their alcohol consumption. Some wanted to be more motivated to focus on themselves rather than on the needs of others, including one who had noticed she could always find ways to postpone “anything to do with the possibility of my own potential success”.
As to whether they had any plans to make the desired change, answers ranged from “No, it’s not something I can change” to the slightly more positive but still procrastinating “When I have time” and “When the weather gets warmer” to the definite “Yes, I have started a training course” or “I have taken a first step into that field”.
Sadly, it often takes a crisis of some sort for people to make significant changes in their lives. People addicted to drugs and alcohol, for instance, will often only find the motivation to change when they hit what’s called ‘rock bottom’, when their lives are in such a mess that they literally have to change or die.
Other people, like you and me, will often be moved to take action when they suffer a relationship breakdown, a health scare or receive a redundancy notice. Suddenly it’s clear that something has to change, life is short and precious and we should honour ourselves by making the best of it.
Less dramatically, the arrival of middle age can be a great motivator because by then you’ve often talked about making certain changes for so long you’re absolutely sick to death of hearing about it. It’s crunch time.
But how do you get motivated otherwise? Keeping the bigger picture in mind can help. In the words of the Roman philosopher Seneca: “[The problem] is not that we have a short time to live, but that we waste a lot of it.” We do often live our lives as if they will go on forever. But they won’t.
Where to start?
First, examine your motives. Why do you want to make this change? Take a moment to make sure it’s something that will truly nurture your soul. That is, it’s not what someone else wants you to do or what you think will please someone else. It’s not something you’re doing out of guilt alone.
Like most worthwhile things, making any substantial change to your lifestyle takes work. And courage. Don’t expect it to be too easy – you wouldn’t have been avoiding it for so long if it were – but do expect it to be absolutely within your ability to achieve.
A journal can be a useful aid. Writing your goals down will help you to focus on what’s really important to you and make them more concrete. Also keep a note of your thoughts and feelings about what you would like to achieve, as well as any sources of inspiration. If appropriate, draw up a timetable – for example, “first week walk 3km three days, second week walk 3km every day”, and so on.
Be business-like about it, and as specific and clear as you can. “Have three nights a week without alcohol” is much clearer than “Cut down alcohol intake”, for example.
Choose your timing
Give yourself time to mentally prepare for the change you want to make by choosing a starting date that works for you. Be gentle on yourself and gain some ground before putting yourself to the test. For instance, the week before a major family celebration might not be the best time to give up alcohol or cigarettes, but you should at least be optimistic enough to start a month before. Decide beforehand what you will do if it becomes difficult – for example, go for a walk or go home early.
A holiday can be an ideal time to develop new habits or drop old ones because it takes you outside your usual routine. You’re also likely to be more relaxed than usual and have the opportunity to avoid people and situations where the old habits pull you in.
What’s blocking you?
A host of underlying issues can hinder your attempts at change, so it’s best to be aware of them. One, of course, is your own self-esteem – whether you believe you deserve this change. Are you worth it? Getting clear that the answer to that is yes will help you. Yes, you might be happier with yourself once you have made the change you desire, but you have many fine qualities without making that change. Write a list of them, then add “And I want to [whatever the change is]”.
Other barriers to change include a fear of failure, a sense of being selfish by focusing so much on yourself, thinking you don’t have the time (amazing how other people do though, isn’t it?), thinking you’re too old/young to make this change, not knowing where to start and worrying about how other people will react.
Consider who in your life would prefer you to stay the way you are and why. For instance, would someone close to you feel bad by comparison if you managed to write a book or manage your money better or whatever? If so, steer clear.
Think also about what your parents would say. No matter how old you are or whether your parents are even still alive, you carry strong messages from them regarding your life choices. Would they disapprove if you followed your dream of, for instance, giving up your job and going to work for the Red Cross in Sri Lanka? Is that making it hard for you to cut loose?
Get support
Support is enormously important. It’s much easier to stick to an exercise program, for example, if someone else is expecting you to turn up. It can be more fun too. Ask a friend to join you and make a firm agreement – for example, to meet for a run (swim, walk) together at least twice a week for four weeks and then reassess. The great thing about regular exercise is you get to a point where you feel so good doing it you really don’t want to stop.
You could also join a sports team or an exercise group to find support for yourself and boost your motivation. Being part of the Can Too organisation has worked well for me. It runs group training in Melbourne, Sydney and Brisbane to assist people of all levels of experience to take part in ocean swims and running events. Professional coaching is given in exchange for a $100 joining fee and a commitment to raise money for cancer research (see www.cantoo.org.au).
If the change you want is to start exploring your creative side, enrolling in a class can help you get started. Or go to the library and read how other people have done it before you. Don’t feel you have to just know what to do all by yourself.
Setbacks will happen
Accept that it can often take several attempts to make a lasting change. Slip-ups don’t mean you have failed, just that you are still learning. Change is a process. The important thing is to notice what is happening in your life at the time you slip up and try to avoid it the next time around.
Set another date for starting again. Give yourself credit for what you did achieve – three days without smoking, four weeks of not reacting as you used to, having painted your first picture, whatever.
Making it stick
Continuing to nurture yourself by doing what you love, making healthy choices and aiming to be the best you can be will help you to stay on track with your goals.
Keep writing in your change journal regularly. List the advantages you can see in achieving your goals – for example, greater confidence, self-respect, not having to beat yourself up about it any more, feeling more energy and so on.
In many cases the question of how to maintain your new way of life will become irrelevant because you’ll feel so good having done it you won’t want to go back to where you were. If you need an extra incentive, it can help to realise you are a role model – to your own children if you have them and to your other relatives and friends. You will inspire people by your example, just as others have inspired you. Why not go for it?

Just an idea

'Doing the work' means intentionally creating the relationship you desire.