We bustle together on the headland, an excited crowd smiling and pointing to the sea below. Hearing the occasional gasp and cheer, others are drawn to our vantage point and quickly become mesmerised too. We’re watching whales. Three humpbacks the size of train carriages are travelling south on a perfectly clear spring day, and the humans are overjoyed. As if showing off, the huge mammals roll languidly through the water, sending up geysers, breeching, and giving a lazy wave of their tails before submerging once more.
This is a moment of collective ‘happiness’. Cheerfulness, exhilaration, festiveness, gleefulness, good-naturedness and sunniness are some of the other words for it. They’re words that on their own can lift the spirits. (Try saying them out loud.)
Here we’re experiencing a moment of respite from the concerns of the past and worries about the future. Pure wonder and enjoyment – if only we could bottle it.
Happiness comes in different forms. Moments of it can be found in the simplest of pleasures, like whale-watching, or something more profound. Our ability to notice and appreciate these moments enriches our lives. Consider the feel of a toddler’s delicate hand as you hold it crossing the street; a surprise kiss on the neck from your lover; rain falling after years of drought; the end of a war at last. While these things are undoubtedly wonderful, the type of happiness they cause is ephemeral, sure to pass, and tomorrow new challenges will come our way. Being able to accept the reality that change and difficulties are part of life’s package means moving a step closer to finding the key.
‘Happiness’ can seem a superficial goal at times, and now that an industry has built up around the concept, it’s easy to see it as yet another commodity. Perhaps ‘contentment’ or ‘inner peace’ might be better words to use; they have a lasting quality.
The good-natured Buddhist monk and scientist, Frenchman Matthieu Ricard, has been called the happiest man in the world because tests conducted on his brain show he has an outstanding ability to remain positive for long periods under conditions that would ordinarily be stressful. For Matthieu, happiness is “above all, a love of life”, he says, and a matter of perspective. His level of inner peace might seem beyond the reach of most of us, but it’s hard not to be inspired by him to at least do what we can.
“Anyone who enjoys inner peace is no more broken by failure than he is inflated by success,” he says. But, sorry, there are no shortcuts.
“We must cultivate the states of mind that favour authentic happiness and eliminate afflictive thoughts and emotions that undermine it. This requires determination and perseverance.” Damn. For most mere mortals this usually means a fair investment in therapy of some kind. People don’t just get there by themselves.
If you’re not happy, here are three words to take to heart: Do something different.
Unfortunately, human nature means it can often take a crisis for people to want to change. A relationship breakdown, a major health scare, the death of a loved one can all cause us to reassess what’s important and decide to jettison what’s not working. If you manage to steer your life in a more positive direction as a result, you can be thankful for the wake-up call, as painful as it might have been.
Neuroscientists, psychologists and Buddhist scholars have measured happiness in different ways in recent decades to discover its causes. As well as pointing to the benefits of meditation, their research shows people are happiest when they are grateful for the good things in their lives, are altruistic, optimistic about the future, and enjoy other people’s company. These are all things within each individual’s power to obtain and they have nothing to do with being rich, thin or beautiful.
Poverty isn’t good for either your health or happiness, but once you have an average income you will not be happier by having more, so the studies say. The quest for more is unending, of course, which is why it fails to produce greater happiness.
“What about children?” you might ask. “Surely they’re a source of happiness for people?” Yes, they’re a source of happiness, but life actually gets harder once the first child arrives and people’s happiness levels drop.
Psychologist Daniel Gilbert caused some controversy by saying that having children doesn’t make people happier but we need to believe it does in order to perpetuate our race. His research found people experienced just a bit more pleasure playing with their children than doing the housework and not as much pleasure as talking with friends, eating or (how embarrassing) watching TV. Call me weird – I would much rather watch the whales.
So now we know, thanks to scientific research, what the world’s major religions have been telling us for ages about how to behave, we can attempt to do what the ancient philosopher Epicurus recommended and “practise the things which produce happiness, since if that is present we have everything and if it is absent we do everything in order to have it”. Go for it!
Sunday 30 October 2011
Sunday 9 October 2011
A moment's thought
With regard to couples, all conflict is a sign that growth is trying to happen as well as a protest against losing a sense of connectedness.
Tuesday 4 October 2011
Simplify your life
Feeling unmotivated, stuck, just not really happy? Try getting rid of some of the junk you’ve been holding onto for years – those objects bought at garage sales and never used, piles of outdated magazines kept “just in case”, shabby suitcases, yellowing birthday cards. Something else might shift in your life as a result.
Quite a bit has been written in recent years about the connection between the state of the head and the state of the home. The buzz word is “decluttering”, with the underlying message being that clearing the physical space in your home can clear up your mental and emotional spaces too.
One reason why this works is simply because you’re taking action rather than passively waiting for something to make a change for you, and there’s power in that. Another reason is not quite as straightforward because it relies on your emotional willingness to let go of objects that don’t serve you any more, as we shall see.
A few weeks ago I finally said goodbye to a skinny pair of burnt-orange jeans I’d once loved. I was free at last. I hadn’t been able to wear those jeans for 12 years, apart from a brief period of sudden stress-related weight loss three years ago. They hung there vivid in my wardrobe, taunting me like a pretty young rival, and year after year I still couldn’t let them go.
Overnight, or so it seemed to me, 12 years ago I became softer and rounder, with thighs and a waist I didn’t recognise. Lines appeared on my face and my hair was turning grey. And all of this coincided with the end of what had been for me a happy, busy and purposeful time – my daughter’s childhood.
I see now that those jeans represented a glorious time between youth and middle age when I still felt young and attractive (okay, slim), self-assured, competent and clear about my purpose in life. In short, it was a time I very much wanted to have back once it was gone. Holding onto those jeans was a sign of not having expressed my grief about the loss of all those things – and that was the key to getting through it.
Once I did my grieving, I was finally able to bring that ‘stuck’ part of myself into the present and live more fully again.
Grief is not something you can get around; it has to be gone through, fully expressed, in order to dissipate. So goodbye, orange jeans (not to mention a certain slinky dress, my daughter’s baby toys, school reports and a large amount of junk in the attic).
Our homes are a lot like our psyches. How bare or cluttered they are, how warm and inviting, says a lot about us and where we’re up to in our lives. What is hidden in the attic or under the bed is closely related to those things in our minds we don’t want other people to know about or we simply can’t face ourselves just yet.
Sometimes we hold onto material we don’t need any more out of an irrational, almost superstitious fear that something terrible will happen if we let it go.
Author Peter Walsh, who has written a number of books on the subject of clutter, says it’s rarely about “the stuff”.
“Clutter is about fear of losing memories, or worry about the future, or a sense that something bad is going to happen,” he says. “It’s a way of dealing with loss, or even a way of masking the pain of some past trauma.”
In assisting people to understand the role of clutter in their lives, he says he always starts by asking whether they’re living the life they want. When they finally get rid of the clutter, the change can be profound.
“As soon as people have space to breathe, their spirits lift,” he says. “They have new energy and hope.”
Due to our personalities or just what we have been accustomed to since childhood, we order our environments in ways that help us to manage our anxiety levels. Some people need predictability, routine and plenty of clear surfaces in order to feel calm, others need just the opposite, and of course other individuals sit somewhere on the scale in between.
Spring-cleaning can be refreshing, freeing the psyche from the emotional burden of what is now just junk. If you’re surrounded by material clutter in your home, a good question to ask yourself is how does it make you feel? If the answer is “not good” or “ guilty” or “ashamed”, for example, you have much to gain by sorting it out. If some things are just too hard to part with, pack them into boxes and store them. In another year or so you might feel differently.
But what about emotional clutter? How do we clear our emotional attics?
Sometimes emotional clutter is created by leaving important things unsaid. This can keep you unnecessarily stuck in the past. If you go about it carefully, you can free yourself by having that difficult conversation, ‘fessing up to what’s been niggling you. If this is too difficult to do on your own yet is causing persistent misery, writing a letter that you don’t post or discussing it with a therapist can help.
Another sign that you might need to do some mental spring-cleaning is if you find yourself going over and over particular conversations or events obsessively, as though the needle is stuck on the record. Meditation or any exercise that focuses your attention on the present can be useful because often this repetitive thinking is about dwelling in the past or worrying about the future in a way that isn’t getting you anywhere.
Understanding the origin of this type of emotion is the key to unlocking it, or at least to being in control of it rather than it being in control of you. Clearing it out of your emotional attic can create space for more positive interactions.
I’m not suggesting this is easy. Very often it takes professional assistance from an objective outsider such as a counsellor or therapist to unlock the old unhelpful patterns that hamper your happiness, and that costs money. On the other hand, a practice that costs nothing and can be extremely beneficial is to take time out on a regular basis just to be with yourself, to slow down, do some relaxation or breathing exercises, meditation, or just to walk and think.
I know, I know. I can hear the choruses of “But I don’t have time” ringing out all over the country. Here’s an idea: try one week without television and see what else you might do with that time. Time really is something you have to give yourself because if you wait for it to turn up, you could be waiting until you’re 100.
Use some scheduled quiet time each week to remind yourself what inspires you, makes you feel most alive, and is what you really want to do with your time. It’s like clearing away those boxes in the attic or tossing out those burnt-orange jeans. It just might allow some space for your innate inner wisdom to show you what’s really important to you. You are undoubtedly worth it.
Quite a bit has been written in recent years about the connection between the state of the head and the state of the home. The buzz word is “decluttering”, with the underlying message being that clearing the physical space in your home can clear up your mental and emotional spaces too.
One reason why this works is simply because you’re taking action rather than passively waiting for something to make a change for you, and there’s power in that. Another reason is not quite as straightforward because it relies on your emotional willingness to let go of objects that don’t serve you any more, as we shall see.
A few weeks ago I finally said goodbye to a skinny pair of burnt-orange jeans I’d once loved. I was free at last. I hadn’t been able to wear those jeans for 12 years, apart from a brief period of sudden stress-related weight loss three years ago. They hung there vivid in my wardrobe, taunting me like a pretty young rival, and year after year I still couldn’t let them go.
Overnight, or so it seemed to me, 12 years ago I became softer and rounder, with thighs and a waist I didn’t recognise. Lines appeared on my face and my hair was turning grey. And all of this coincided with the end of what had been for me a happy, busy and purposeful time – my daughter’s childhood.
I see now that those jeans represented a glorious time between youth and middle age when I still felt young and attractive (okay, slim), self-assured, competent and clear about my purpose in life. In short, it was a time I very much wanted to have back once it was gone. Holding onto those jeans was a sign of not having expressed my grief about the loss of all those things – and that was the key to getting through it.
Once I did my grieving, I was finally able to bring that ‘stuck’ part of myself into the present and live more fully again.
Grief is not something you can get around; it has to be gone through, fully expressed, in order to dissipate. So goodbye, orange jeans (not to mention a certain slinky dress, my daughter’s baby toys, school reports and a large amount of junk in the attic).
Our homes are a lot like our psyches. How bare or cluttered they are, how warm and inviting, says a lot about us and where we’re up to in our lives. What is hidden in the attic or under the bed is closely related to those things in our minds we don’t want other people to know about or we simply can’t face ourselves just yet.
Sometimes we hold onto material we don’t need any more out of an irrational, almost superstitious fear that something terrible will happen if we let it go.
Author Peter Walsh, who has written a number of books on the subject of clutter, says it’s rarely about “the stuff”.
“Clutter is about fear of losing memories, or worry about the future, or a sense that something bad is going to happen,” he says. “It’s a way of dealing with loss, or even a way of masking the pain of some past trauma.”
In assisting people to understand the role of clutter in their lives, he says he always starts by asking whether they’re living the life they want. When they finally get rid of the clutter, the change can be profound.
“As soon as people have space to breathe, their spirits lift,” he says. “They have new energy and hope.”
Due to our personalities or just what we have been accustomed to since childhood, we order our environments in ways that help us to manage our anxiety levels. Some people need predictability, routine and plenty of clear surfaces in order to feel calm, others need just the opposite, and of course other individuals sit somewhere on the scale in between.
Spring-cleaning can be refreshing, freeing the psyche from the emotional burden of what is now just junk. If you’re surrounded by material clutter in your home, a good question to ask yourself is how does it make you feel? If the answer is “not good” or “ guilty” or “ashamed”, for example, you have much to gain by sorting it out. If some things are just too hard to part with, pack them into boxes and store them. In another year or so you might feel differently.
But what about emotional clutter? How do we clear our emotional attics?
Sometimes emotional clutter is created by leaving important things unsaid. This can keep you unnecessarily stuck in the past. If you go about it carefully, you can free yourself by having that difficult conversation, ‘fessing up to what’s been niggling you. If this is too difficult to do on your own yet is causing persistent misery, writing a letter that you don’t post or discussing it with a therapist can help.
Another sign that you might need to do some mental spring-cleaning is if you find yourself going over and over particular conversations or events obsessively, as though the needle is stuck on the record. Meditation or any exercise that focuses your attention on the present can be useful because often this repetitive thinking is about dwelling in the past or worrying about the future in a way that isn’t getting you anywhere.
Understanding the origin of this type of emotion is the key to unlocking it, or at least to being in control of it rather than it being in control of you. Clearing it out of your emotional attic can create space for more positive interactions.
I’m not suggesting this is easy. Very often it takes professional assistance from an objective outsider such as a counsellor or therapist to unlock the old unhelpful patterns that hamper your happiness, and that costs money. On the other hand, a practice that costs nothing and can be extremely beneficial is to take time out on a regular basis just to be with yourself, to slow down, do some relaxation or breathing exercises, meditation, or just to walk and think.
I know, I know. I can hear the choruses of “But I don’t have time” ringing out all over the country. Here’s an idea: try one week without television and see what else you might do with that time. Time really is something you have to give yourself because if you wait for it to turn up, you could be waiting until you’re 100.
Use some scheduled quiet time each week to remind yourself what inspires you, makes you feel most alive, and is what you really want to do with your time. It’s like clearing away those boxes in the attic or tossing out those burnt-orange jeans. It just might allow some space for your innate inner wisdom to show you what’s really important to you. You are undoubtedly worth it.
Sunday 2 October 2011
What to do about feeling guilty
Guilt. How much of it are you carrying around, and how is that working for you?
Not everyone feels guilty, of course. Sometimes it seems that the people who don't feel guilty are the ones who possibly should (if anyone should), while the ones who do shouldn't.
Modern mothers feel a huge amount of guilt, especially single mothers. It's something they rarely talk about, but I know from counselling several single mothers that they often feel guilty for not giving their children the traditional two-parent family. As if it's their fault. That's on top of the usual mothers' guilt about not spending enough time with their children, their work, or their partners, friends and parents. Talk about being hard on yourself.
Many of us live with a constant low-level guilt because we feel we should be doing things better.
Be careful when you hear yourself using that word, "should". Try to avoid it - it's like a cane with which to beat yourself. Next time ask yourself whose voice that is in your head. Who says you should exercise more, spend less, have a tidier home, be more disciplined, telephone your parents more often, supervise your children's homework more, help out at the school, work longer hours, earn more money, do any of these things?
You might think you are the one waving a finger at yourself, but it's often the case that you have simply absorbed these injunctions from your parents from a very early age. Their admonishments have become your admonishments. Now you judge yourself as lazy, extravagant, bad, untidy, selfish - that is, in some way unsuccessful and basically just not good enough. (As American humorist Erma Bombeck once said, "Guilt - the gift that keeps on giving.")
Even the best of parents will engender some of these feelings simply because their job is to teach their children how to be safe and how to get along in society, which requires a fair bit of correction and use of the word "don't". Children with more sensitive natures will be more inclined to take such admonishments to heart.
Some parents are masters of manipulation through guilt, and little children are particularly susceptible. Excellent at adapting to their environment, they soon learn what pleases their parents and what doesn't, and will use this knowledge to survive and get the love, affection and recognition they need. Later they will use it as a means of rebellion, a normal part of their paths to independence.
Parents aren't the only source of engendered guilt. Messages and images in the media can also play a part. Just look at all those perfect families in ads for just about anything.
The sort of guilt I have been describing is not helpful or nurturing. It chips away at your self-respect and overshadows your many good qualities. It's not fair and it's definitely not kind. Being aware of it is the first step in diminishing its power. The next step is to be compassionate towards yourself and let guilt go. Don't give any air to any thoughts connected to it. Just notice it and say, "Ah, you again, guilty feeling. I don't need you today, goodbye."
Another type of guilt needs attention of a different sort - that is, when you really have done something you believe is wrong or hurtful.
Walking around under the burden of a guilty secret can damage your self-esteem, colour your world and interfere with your relationships. Somehow you need to find forgiveness for yourself.
This might mean 'fessing up to the injured party, or, if that is too dangerous and likely to be destructive, at least talk with a therapist and tell the truth at last. You might just find this takes some of the weight out of the secret and helps you to accept yourself more.
On the other hand, if it is safe to tell someone you're sorry for what you have done, you stand to gain their understanding and acceptance and a deeper, richer relationship as a result. You also give them the opportunity to forgive you, which can free them too.
We all make mistakes. Living in guilt for something you did in the past and cannot change is no way to make the most of life now.
(c) Carolyn Parfitt
Not everyone feels guilty, of course. Sometimes it seems that the people who don't feel guilty are the ones who possibly should (if anyone should), while the ones who do shouldn't.
Modern mothers feel a huge amount of guilt, especially single mothers. It's something they rarely talk about, but I know from counselling several single mothers that they often feel guilty for not giving their children the traditional two-parent family. As if it's their fault. That's on top of the usual mothers' guilt about not spending enough time with their children, their work, or their partners, friends and parents. Talk about being hard on yourself.
Many of us live with a constant low-level guilt because we feel we should be doing things better.
Be careful when you hear yourself using that word, "should". Try to avoid it - it's like a cane with which to beat yourself. Next time ask yourself whose voice that is in your head. Who says you should exercise more, spend less, have a tidier home, be more disciplined, telephone your parents more often, supervise your children's homework more, help out at the school, work longer hours, earn more money, do any of these things?
You might think you are the one waving a finger at yourself, but it's often the case that you have simply absorbed these injunctions from your parents from a very early age. Their admonishments have become your admonishments. Now you judge yourself as lazy, extravagant, bad, untidy, selfish - that is, in some way unsuccessful and basically just not good enough. (As American humorist Erma Bombeck once said, "Guilt - the gift that keeps on giving.")
Even the best of parents will engender some of these feelings simply because their job is to teach their children how to be safe and how to get along in society, which requires a fair bit of correction and use of the word "don't". Children with more sensitive natures will be more inclined to take such admonishments to heart.
Some parents are masters of manipulation through guilt, and little children are particularly susceptible. Excellent at adapting to their environment, they soon learn what pleases their parents and what doesn't, and will use this knowledge to survive and get the love, affection and recognition they need. Later they will use it as a means of rebellion, a normal part of their paths to independence.
Parents aren't the only source of engendered guilt. Messages and images in the media can also play a part. Just look at all those perfect families in ads for just about anything.
The sort of guilt I have been describing is not helpful or nurturing. It chips away at your self-respect and overshadows your many good qualities. It's not fair and it's definitely not kind. Being aware of it is the first step in diminishing its power. The next step is to be compassionate towards yourself and let guilt go. Don't give any air to any thoughts connected to it. Just notice it and say, "Ah, you again, guilty feeling. I don't need you today, goodbye."
Another type of guilt needs attention of a different sort - that is, when you really have done something you believe is wrong or hurtful.
Walking around under the burden of a guilty secret can damage your self-esteem, colour your world and interfere with your relationships. Somehow you need to find forgiveness for yourself.
This might mean 'fessing up to the injured party, or, if that is too dangerous and likely to be destructive, at least talk with a therapist and tell the truth at last. You might just find this takes some of the weight out of the secret and helps you to accept yourself more.
On the other hand, if it is safe to tell someone you're sorry for what you have done, you stand to gain their understanding and acceptance and a deeper, richer relationship as a result. You also give them the opportunity to forgive you, which can free them too.
We all make mistakes. Living in guilt for something you did in the past and cannot change is no way to make the most of life now.
(c) Carolyn Parfitt
A few things to know about anger
If you want to take the sting out of the anger in your life, whether it's your own anger or somebody else's, first consider your beliefs about it.
Can you allow yourself and others to be angry, for example, or do you just want to run and hide? Do you have a strong value judgement about anger? Is it good, bad, harmful, ugly or just one of those things? If you view anger as a bad thing, and yourself as "bad" for expressing it (and who told you that, by the way?), it's going to be more of a problem than it needs to be.
Many of us shy away from anger, even fear it. Think back to your earliest memory of experiencing it. As children, the anger we expressed was most likely crushed from a great height by those towering grown-ups who fed us ("Don't raise your voice at me!"). Yet they expressed it, and that could be very scary.
Due to the sponge-like ability of children to absorb the feelings crackling in the air around them, our parents' anger sometimes lodged in our very cells. In future times of dispute or raised voices, we recall these fears like a warning and deal with anger in much the same way as we did back then. This is why we can feel very small and vulnerable when faced with anger. We back off, change the subject, pretend it didn't happen, cry, get angry in return, and so on, none of it very productive.
Yet just like fear, love, sadness, shame and joy, anger is a normal human emotion felt by everyone at some time, and it has a protective purpose. Anger is a signal that you are feeling under threat, and it's a reasonable response.
It's reasonable, for example, to feel angry if someone belittles you or if your partner lies to you or if a careless driver rams your car. 'Own it', as they say. It's not up to anyone else to tell you whether or not you can be angry. You are. How you act on it is another question entirely.
[Before you go any further, let me be clear that here I'm solely talking about anger where no physical violence or threat of violence is involved. My point of view is that violence is never okay.]
Ideally, you'll be able to find a way to step aside from the situation. Just notice that red-hot anger surfacing and walk away, breathe deeply and count to 20. Still there? Keep walking, maybe around the block.
If it's other people's anger you're facing, try to put up a mental shield that says, "You're angry and that's okay. It's your anger; I don't have to take it on." You could even visualise a shield as in the form of a mirror on your forehead reflecting the anger back to its owner. Now you have created a boundary that distinguishes between the other person's 'stuff' and your own.
With regard to your own anger, your aim is to express it assertively rather than aggressively, in a way that serves you well and doesn't leave you feeling worse than before. By being assertive, you're more likely to get your point across, and that will help to defuse your anger. By speaking up clearly, you're not denying your anger and you're respecting your own feelings and rights.
To do this well, it's best to refrain from using words like "never" and "always" (for example, "You never help me, you're always somewhere else") and to name the feelings you're experiencing. Start sentences with "I" to take responsibility for your feelings - for example, "I feel hurt and let down that you don't consider me more often"; "I'm sad because I miss what we used to have"; "I feel angry because I feel left out".
Anger is sometimes used to mask other feelings. For men in particular, it can mask sadness and fear. In terms of social conditioning, men have traditionally had more permission to express anger than women, so it can become their default emotion, disguising something they're less comfortable to express. The opposite applies to women.
Something many people don't realise is that anger is often a component of grief. It can be very confusing to find yourself feeling angry with your dearly departed (who has gone and left you, dammit), but it is common and normal and doesn't mean you don't love them deeply just the same.
Seeing your anger for what it is and acquiring new ways of dealing with it will help you to change the tendency we all have to pass our anger along a chain to others, creating a domino effect. You know, when someone at work tells you off during the day, then you lose your temper with your partner at home in the evening, and later your child throws a tantrum when it's time for bed. The benefits of finding a new way, for you and those around you, are obvious.
(c) Carolyn Parfitt
Can you allow yourself and others to be angry, for example, or do you just want to run and hide? Do you have a strong value judgement about anger? Is it good, bad, harmful, ugly or just one of those things? If you view anger as a bad thing, and yourself as "bad" for expressing it (and who told you that, by the way?), it's going to be more of a problem than it needs to be.
Many of us shy away from anger, even fear it. Think back to your earliest memory of experiencing it. As children, the anger we expressed was most likely crushed from a great height by those towering grown-ups who fed us ("Don't raise your voice at me!"). Yet they expressed it, and that could be very scary.
Due to the sponge-like ability of children to absorb the feelings crackling in the air around them, our parents' anger sometimes lodged in our very cells. In future times of dispute or raised voices, we recall these fears like a warning and deal with anger in much the same way as we did back then. This is why we can feel very small and vulnerable when faced with anger. We back off, change the subject, pretend it didn't happen, cry, get angry in return, and so on, none of it very productive.
Yet just like fear, love, sadness, shame and joy, anger is a normal human emotion felt by everyone at some time, and it has a protective purpose. Anger is a signal that you are feeling under threat, and it's a reasonable response.
It's reasonable, for example, to feel angry if someone belittles you or if your partner lies to you or if a careless driver rams your car. 'Own it', as they say. It's not up to anyone else to tell you whether or not you can be angry. You are. How you act on it is another question entirely.
[Before you go any further, let me be clear that here I'm solely talking about anger where no physical violence or threat of violence is involved. My point of view is that violence is never okay.]
Ideally, you'll be able to find a way to step aside from the situation. Just notice that red-hot anger surfacing and walk away, breathe deeply and count to 20. Still there? Keep walking, maybe around the block.
If it's other people's anger you're facing, try to put up a mental shield that says, "You're angry and that's okay. It's your anger; I don't have to take it on." You could even visualise a shield as in the form of a mirror on your forehead reflecting the anger back to its owner. Now you have created a boundary that distinguishes between the other person's 'stuff' and your own.
With regard to your own anger, your aim is to express it assertively rather than aggressively, in a way that serves you well and doesn't leave you feeling worse than before. By being assertive, you're more likely to get your point across, and that will help to defuse your anger. By speaking up clearly, you're not denying your anger and you're respecting your own feelings and rights.
To do this well, it's best to refrain from using words like "never" and "always" (for example, "You never help me, you're always somewhere else") and to name the feelings you're experiencing. Start sentences with "I" to take responsibility for your feelings - for example, "I feel hurt and let down that you don't consider me more often"; "I'm sad because I miss what we used to have"; "I feel angry because I feel left out".
Anger is sometimes used to mask other feelings. For men in particular, it can mask sadness and fear. In terms of social conditioning, men have traditionally had more permission to express anger than women, so it can become their default emotion, disguising something they're less comfortable to express. The opposite applies to women.
Something many people don't realise is that anger is often a component of grief. It can be very confusing to find yourself feeling angry with your dearly departed (who has gone and left you, dammit), but it is common and normal and doesn't mean you don't love them deeply just the same.
Seeing your anger for what it is and acquiring new ways of dealing with it will help you to change the tendency we all have to pass our anger along a chain to others, creating a domino effect. You know, when someone at work tells you off during the day, then you lose your temper with your partner at home in the evening, and later your child throws a tantrum when it's time for bed. The benefits of finding a new way, for you and those around you, are obvious.
(c) Carolyn Parfitt
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)