I’ll never forget Jennifer Isenhood. I was four and three-quarters and it was our first day at school. She had a round face, short thin hair with a cow-lick at the fringe and she bounced right up and asked if I would be her friend. Being that forthright would never have occurred to me. Jenny was five and a quarter.
“Okay.”
And that was the start of a friendship that lasted well into our teens, with me a sort of loyal Tonto to her swashbuckling Lone Ranger.
Eventually we developed completely different interests and aspirations and drifted apart, but the thought of Jenny and the adventures we shared still lifts my heart. I often wonder about contacting her after all these years.
Few people keep in touch with their best friends from childhood, but it does happen. A good friend of mine, now 67, has kept one friendship going since she was four years old.
I can’t help feeling slightly envious. Such a longstanding friendship seems like a wonderful security blanket to have in life. Even if most of the time you don’t see each other and don’t think about it, it must be comforting just knowing it’s there.
But friendship has another side too. Like the terms ‘motherhood’ or ‘family values’, ‘friendship’ can conjure up warm and fuzzy images of something noble or even self-sacrificing. And just like the other two concepts, it has some murky depths and the potential for pain.
Who doesn’t remember the heartache caused by falling out with a friend, particularly in those fickle, factional school years? Ouch. Somehow the rare times when the gang turned nasty or the best friend dropped you for someone else can be brought to mind much faster than the invariably more numerous good times.
One of the great things about friendship is that we choose it, which makes it different to most of our other relationships. But it does require knowing when to bite your tongue. At its best it’s full of give and take, live and let live, and wonderfully free of the obligations and rules that apply to family or work relationships, for example. At its worst we can find ourselves back in something like the button-pressing emotional blackmail that families do so well.
WHAT IS FRIENDSHIP?
Here are just a few definitions: “a single soul dwelling in two bodies” (ancient philosopher Aristotle); “the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words” (English novelist George Eliot, aka Mary Anne Evans); “the spirited inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him” (19th century philosopher Ralph Emerson); and, simply, “love made bearable” (American novelist Rita Mae Brown).
What do you expect from friends that you don’t expect from acquaintances? I polled my friends. “To remember what is important to me, to respect my interests and values,” said one, at the time offended by another friend who continually forgot her birthday. “To give me support and listen when I need it, even late at night at odd hours sometimes,” said another. Other responses included “acceptance of me as I am, with all my faults”; “to be discreet about confidences shared”; “insight, frankness, and the benefit of the doubt”; “to share tequila, personal stories, empathy and understanding”.
For myself, the ideal friend is someone with whom I can be as comfortable as I am when I’m on my own (which is pretty comfortable), with whom I can be at ease in silence, and who won’t be offended if I have to take a walk or a nap or read a book. It’s also, very importantly, about being able to share some secrets and have them stay secret, and in that I know I’m not alone.
WHAT MAKES IT GROW?
In the largest survey ever on the subject of friendship, covering 40,000 people, the US magazine Psychology Today found most people regarded loyalty and the ability to keep confidences as the most important components in friendship, followed by warmth, affection and supportiveness.
Being able to disclose your inner world – the fears, dreams, joys, aspirations and anxieties you wouldn’t want most people to know – and to have that part of you accepted and respected, even treasured, can be an enormous gift. And it’s what fosters a relationship. Once one person has confided in another, the way is open for the other person to share a confidence too, and so it goes back and forth and each time the pair grows a little more trusting and a little closer.
Everyone needs a friend like this. In fact, confiding in the right person can have benefits for your emotional health in much the same way that psychotherapy does. In psychotherapy the guarantee of confidentiality is essential in order to create a safe space where anything can be said and where all parts of you are allowed to show up, sometimes for the first time in your life.
Ideally your trust will be rewarded and you’ll receive the nourishment of knowing that at least one other person can handle your feelings with care.
DIFFERENT STROKES
Sociologist Graham Little, after interviewing a host of people about friendship, decided it could be divided into three categories – Social friendship (the most superficial one, basically at the level of belonging to the same club or workplace), Familiar friendship (operating like a mother-child nurturing relationship, with one party offering all the help, comfort and continuity) and Communicating friendship (the deepest one, reciprocal, unthreatened by our desire to just be ourselves, accepting us as we are).
Among researchers of the subject, the ideal one, Communicating friendship, is regarded as something we share with only a few of our friends. No matter how many acquaintances we have, they say, most people will only have between three and seven of these very close friends.
According to Graham Little, Communicating friends share a similar idea about friendship, are surer of their own individual identities and don’t need the constant reassurance that other friendships might.
“Communicating friends are built for change and for dealing with shame and what the world calls a fall from grace,” he says. They speak to the child in each other and “are partners in our still being kids, with everything in front of us, everything open to us or at least thinkable by us.”
WHAT ENDS A FRIENDSHIP?
Respondents to the Psychology Today survey nominated “feeling betrayed” as the most important reason for ending a friendship, along with discovering incompatible views on an issue they considered extremely important – for example, finding their friend held racist views they couldn’t tolerate.
But reasons for ending don’t have to be as dramatic as that. Many friendships just have a natural use-by date. They come and go at different times in our lives through different jobs and interests and life stages.
Other turning points that can cause friendships to founder or fade away include marriage or a new lover (as you’ll know if you ever couldn’t bear your friend’s new partner), the arrival of children, divorce, debt, favours, illness or a change in status that leads to insecurity and jealousy.
There’s no need to feel guilty if you leave a friendship you find unsatisfactory. Life’s short. Maybe you realise you just don’t have the energy or the time for this particular friend any more, even though the person is still perfectly okay with you. Maybe you’re not getting much nurturing in return.
COMPETITION AND ENVY
You’ve heard it before but it has to be said in this context too: The first person anyone needs to make friends with is herself. Yourself, myself, ourselves. These are the people who become Communicating friends (see Different Strokes, above) and are the ones who will still feel okay regardless of having friends who are more attractive in looks, more stylish, higher-earning, popular and so on. Knowing your own strengths and that you have qualities other people would like to have too is the greatest protection against envy. Be a good friend, live and let live and wish even more good looks, money and status for them.
BEING LIKED
Overall, the people we like the most are the people who like us, who cheer our successes and wish us many more, and enjoy the ways in which we are different from them. Good friends don’t need us to need them but they empathise when we hurt. They love us enough to (gently) give us an honest appraisal of how they perceive us. They are tactful without being false. They ground us, make the world a warmer place and provide those deeply gratifying moments when we feel truly known.
Wednesday 7 December 2011
Wednesday 16 November 2011
Thinking of making a change?
There it is again, that niggling desire to make a change in your life. Tap, tap, tapping you on the shoulder. It keeps popping up, wanting your attention.
It might be an unfulfilled creative interest that’s been on your mind for years, a bad habit you want to break, the regular exercise you never get around to, or another career or course of study you’d like to begin. It's likely to help you to feel more fulfilled, more true to yourself, but somehow now is just never the right time.
If the desire to make a change has been that incessant, however, it’s probably time to listen to your heart and give it some air.
Most of us know what it’s like to linger in the waiting mode. Waiting for more time, more money, the right moment, the inspiration, a sign to give us permission to have a go at something new.
When I conducted a poll asking people what they would like to change about themselves or their lives, no one replied “Nothing”. The majority (possibly like you?) wanted to get healthier, whether by stopping smoking, eating less, meditating regularly, exercising more or reducing their alcohol consumption. Some wanted to be more motivated to focus on themselves rather than on the needs of others, including one who had noticed she could always find ways to postpone “anything to do with the possibility of my own potential success”.
As to whether they had any plans to make the desired change, answers ranged from “No, it’s not something I can change” to the slightly more positive but still procrastinating “When I have time” and “When the weather gets warmer” to the definite “Yes, I have started a training course” or “I have taken a first step into that field”.
Sadly, it often takes a crisis of some sort for people to make significant changes in their lives. People addicted to drugs and alcohol, for instance, will often only find the motivation to change when they hit what’s called ‘rock bottom’, when their lives are in such a mess that they literally have to change or die.
Other people, like you and me, will often be moved to take action when they suffer a relationship breakdown, a health scare or receive a redundancy notice. Suddenly it’s clear that something has to change, life is short and precious and we should honour ourselves by making the best of it.
Less dramatically, the arrival of middle age can be a great motivator because by then you’ve often talked about making certain changes for so long you’re absolutely sick to death of hearing about it. It’s crunch time.
But how do you get motivated otherwise? Keeping the bigger picture in mind can help. In the words of the Roman philosopher Seneca: “[The problem] is not that we have a short time to live, but that we waste a lot of it.” We do often live our lives as if they will go on forever. But they won’t.
Where to start?
First, examine your motives. Why do you want to make this change? Take a moment to make sure it’s something that will truly nurture your soul. That is, it’s not what someone else wants you to do or what you think will please someone else. It’s not something you’re doing out of guilt alone.
Like most worthwhile things, making any substantial change to your lifestyle takes work. And courage. Don’t expect it to be too easy – you wouldn’t have been avoiding it for so long if it were – but do expect it to be absolutely within your ability to achieve.
A journal can be a useful aid. Writing your goals down will help you to focus on what’s really important to you and make them more concrete. Also keep a note of your thoughts and feelings about what you would like to achieve, as well as any sources of inspiration. If appropriate, draw up a timetable – for example, “first week walk 3km three days, second week walk 3km every day”, and so on.
Be business-like about it, and as specific and clear as you can. “Have three nights a week without alcohol” is much clearer than “Cut down alcohol intake”, for example.
Choose your timing
Give yourself time to mentally prepare for the change you want to make by choosing a starting date that works for you. Be gentle on yourself and gain some ground before putting yourself to the test. For instance, the week before a major family celebration might not be the best time to give up alcohol or cigarettes, but you should at least be optimistic enough to start a month before. Decide beforehand what you will do if it becomes difficult – for example, go for a walk or go home early.
A holiday can be an ideal time to develop new habits or drop old ones because it takes you outside your usual routine. You’re also likely to be more relaxed than usual and have the opportunity to avoid people and situations where the old habits pull you in.
What’s blocking you?
A host of underlying issues can hinder your attempts at change, so it’s best to be aware of them. One, of course, is your own self-esteem – whether you believe you deserve this change. Are you worth it? Getting clear that the answer to that is yes will help you. Yes, you might be happier with yourself once you have made the change you desire, but you have many fine qualities without making that change. Write a list of them, then add “And I want to [whatever the change is]”.
Other barriers to change include a fear of failure, a sense of being selfish by focusing so much on yourself, thinking you don’t have the time (amazing how other people do though, isn’t it?), thinking you’re too old/young to make this change, not knowing where to start and worrying about how other people will react.
Consider who in your life would prefer you to stay the way you are and why. For instance, would someone close to you feel bad by comparison if you managed to write a book or manage your money better or whatever? If so, steer clear.
Think also about what your parents would say. No matter how old you are or whether your parents are even still alive, you carry strong messages from them regarding your life choices. Would they disapprove if you followed your dream of, for instance, giving up your job and going to work for the Red Cross in Sri Lanka? Is that making it hard for you to cut loose?
Get support
Support is enormously important. It’s much easier to stick to an exercise program, for example, if someone else is expecting you to turn up. It can be more fun too. Ask a friend to join you and make a firm agreement – for example, to meet for a run (swim, walk) together at least twice a week for four weeks and then reassess. The great thing about regular exercise is you get to a point where you feel so good doing it you really don’t want to stop.
You could also join a sports team or an exercise group to find support for yourself and boost your motivation. Being part of the Can Too organisation has worked well for me. It runs group training in Melbourne, Sydney and Brisbane to assist people of all levels of experience to take part in ocean swims and running events. Professional coaching is given in exchange for a $100 joining fee and a commitment to raise money for cancer research (see www.cantoo.org.au).
If the change you want is to start exploring your creative side, enrolling in a class can help you get started. Or go to the library and read how other people have done it before you. Don’t feel you have to just know what to do all by yourself.
Setbacks will happen
Accept that it can often take several attempts to make a lasting change. Slip-ups don’t mean you have failed, just that you are still learning. Change is a process. The important thing is to notice what is happening in your life at the time you slip up and try to avoid it the next time around.
Set another date for starting again. Give yourself credit for what you did achieve – three days without smoking, four weeks of not reacting as you used to, having painted your first picture, whatever.
Making it stick
Continuing to nurture yourself by doing what you love, making healthy choices and aiming to be the best you can be will help you to stay on track with your goals.
Keep writing in your change journal regularly. List the advantages you can see in achieving your goals – for example, greater confidence, self-respect, not having to beat yourself up about it any more, feeling more energy and so on.
In many cases the question of how to maintain your new way of life will become irrelevant because you’ll feel so good having done it you won’t want to go back to where you were. If you need an extra incentive, it can help to realise you are a role model – to your own children if you have them and to your other relatives and friends. You will inspire people by your example, just as others have inspired you. Why not go for it?
It might be an unfulfilled creative interest that’s been on your mind for years, a bad habit you want to break, the regular exercise you never get around to, or another career or course of study you’d like to begin. It's likely to help you to feel more fulfilled, more true to yourself, but somehow now is just never the right time.
If the desire to make a change has been that incessant, however, it’s probably time to listen to your heart and give it some air.
Most of us know what it’s like to linger in the waiting mode. Waiting for more time, more money, the right moment, the inspiration, a sign to give us permission to have a go at something new.
When I conducted a poll asking people what they would like to change about themselves or their lives, no one replied “Nothing”. The majority (possibly like you?) wanted to get healthier, whether by stopping smoking, eating less, meditating regularly, exercising more or reducing their alcohol consumption. Some wanted to be more motivated to focus on themselves rather than on the needs of others, including one who had noticed she could always find ways to postpone “anything to do with the possibility of my own potential success”.
As to whether they had any plans to make the desired change, answers ranged from “No, it’s not something I can change” to the slightly more positive but still procrastinating “When I have time” and “When the weather gets warmer” to the definite “Yes, I have started a training course” or “I have taken a first step into that field”.
Sadly, it often takes a crisis of some sort for people to make significant changes in their lives. People addicted to drugs and alcohol, for instance, will often only find the motivation to change when they hit what’s called ‘rock bottom’, when their lives are in such a mess that they literally have to change or die.
Other people, like you and me, will often be moved to take action when they suffer a relationship breakdown, a health scare or receive a redundancy notice. Suddenly it’s clear that something has to change, life is short and precious and we should honour ourselves by making the best of it.
Less dramatically, the arrival of middle age can be a great motivator because by then you’ve often talked about making certain changes for so long you’re absolutely sick to death of hearing about it. It’s crunch time.
But how do you get motivated otherwise? Keeping the bigger picture in mind can help. In the words of the Roman philosopher Seneca: “[The problem] is not that we have a short time to live, but that we waste a lot of it.” We do often live our lives as if they will go on forever. But they won’t.
Where to start?
First, examine your motives. Why do you want to make this change? Take a moment to make sure it’s something that will truly nurture your soul. That is, it’s not what someone else wants you to do or what you think will please someone else. It’s not something you’re doing out of guilt alone.
Like most worthwhile things, making any substantial change to your lifestyle takes work. And courage. Don’t expect it to be too easy – you wouldn’t have been avoiding it for so long if it were – but do expect it to be absolutely within your ability to achieve.
A journal can be a useful aid. Writing your goals down will help you to focus on what’s really important to you and make them more concrete. Also keep a note of your thoughts and feelings about what you would like to achieve, as well as any sources of inspiration. If appropriate, draw up a timetable – for example, “first week walk 3km three days, second week walk 3km every day”, and so on.
Be business-like about it, and as specific and clear as you can. “Have three nights a week without alcohol” is much clearer than “Cut down alcohol intake”, for example.
Choose your timing
Give yourself time to mentally prepare for the change you want to make by choosing a starting date that works for you. Be gentle on yourself and gain some ground before putting yourself to the test. For instance, the week before a major family celebration might not be the best time to give up alcohol or cigarettes, but you should at least be optimistic enough to start a month before. Decide beforehand what you will do if it becomes difficult – for example, go for a walk or go home early.
A holiday can be an ideal time to develop new habits or drop old ones because it takes you outside your usual routine. You’re also likely to be more relaxed than usual and have the opportunity to avoid people and situations where the old habits pull you in.
What’s blocking you?
A host of underlying issues can hinder your attempts at change, so it’s best to be aware of them. One, of course, is your own self-esteem – whether you believe you deserve this change. Are you worth it? Getting clear that the answer to that is yes will help you. Yes, you might be happier with yourself once you have made the change you desire, but you have many fine qualities without making that change. Write a list of them, then add “And I want to [whatever the change is]”.
Other barriers to change include a fear of failure, a sense of being selfish by focusing so much on yourself, thinking you don’t have the time (amazing how other people do though, isn’t it?), thinking you’re too old/young to make this change, not knowing where to start and worrying about how other people will react.
Consider who in your life would prefer you to stay the way you are and why. For instance, would someone close to you feel bad by comparison if you managed to write a book or manage your money better or whatever? If so, steer clear.
Think also about what your parents would say. No matter how old you are or whether your parents are even still alive, you carry strong messages from them regarding your life choices. Would they disapprove if you followed your dream of, for instance, giving up your job and going to work for the Red Cross in Sri Lanka? Is that making it hard for you to cut loose?
Get support
Support is enormously important. It’s much easier to stick to an exercise program, for example, if someone else is expecting you to turn up. It can be more fun too. Ask a friend to join you and make a firm agreement – for example, to meet for a run (swim, walk) together at least twice a week for four weeks and then reassess. The great thing about regular exercise is you get to a point where you feel so good doing it you really don’t want to stop.
You could also join a sports team or an exercise group to find support for yourself and boost your motivation. Being part of the Can Too organisation has worked well for me. It runs group training in Melbourne, Sydney and Brisbane to assist people of all levels of experience to take part in ocean swims and running events. Professional coaching is given in exchange for a $100 joining fee and a commitment to raise money for cancer research (see www.cantoo.org.au).
If the change you want is to start exploring your creative side, enrolling in a class can help you get started. Or go to the library and read how other people have done it before you. Don’t feel you have to just know what to do all by yourself.
Setbacks will happen
Accept that it can often take several attempts to make a lasting change. Slip-ups don’t mean you have failed, just that you are still learning. Change is a process. The important thing is to notice what is happening in your life at the time you slip up and try to avoid it the next time around.
Set another date for starting again. Give yourself credit for what you did achieve – three days without smoking, four weeks of not reacting as you used to, having painted your first picture, whatever.
Making it stick
Continuing to nurture yourself by doing what you love, making healthy choices and aiming to be the best you can be will help you to stay on track with your goals.
Keep writing in your change journal regularly. List the advantages you can see in achieving your goals – for example, greater confidence, self-respect, not having to beat yourself up about it any more, feeling more energy and so on.
In many cases the question of how to maintain your new way of life will become irrelevant because you’ll feel so good having done it you won’t want to go back to where you were. If you need an extra incentive, it can help to realise you are a role model – to your own children if you have them and to your other relatives and friends. You will inspire people by your example, just as others have inspired you. Why not go for it?
Sunday 6 November 2011
Sunday 30 October 2011
What do whales have to do with happiness?
We bustle together on the headland, an excited crowd smiling and pointing to the sea below. Hearing the occasional gasp and cheer, others are drawn to our vantage point and quickly become mesmerised too. We’re watching whales. Three humpbacks the size of train carriages are travelling south on a perfectly clear spring day, and the humans are overjoyed. As if showing off, the huge mammals roll languidly through the water, sending up geysers, breeching, and giving a lazy wave of their tails before submerging once more.
This is a moment of collective ‘happiness’. Cheerfulness, exhilaration, festiveness, gleefulness, good-naturedness and sunniness are some of the other words for it. They’re words that on their own can lift the spirits. (Try saying them out loud.)
Here we’re experiencing a moment of respite from the concerns of the past and worries about the future. Pure wonder and enjoyment – if only we could bottle it.
Happiness comes in different forms. Moments of it can be found in the simplest of pleasures, like whale-watching, or something more profound. Our ability to notice and appreciate these moments enriches our lives. Consider the feel of a toddler’s delicate hand as you hold it crossing the street; a surprise kiss on the neck from your lover; rain falling after years of drought; the end of a war at last. While these things are undoubtedly wonderful, the type of happiness they cause is ephemeral, sure to pass, and tomorrow new challenges will come our way. Being able to accept the reality that change and difficulties are part of life’s package means moving a step closer to finding the key.
‘Happiness’ can seem a superficial goal at times, and now that an industry has built up around the concept, it’s easy to see it as yet another commodity. Perhaps ‘contentment’ or ‘inner peace’ might be better words to use; they have a lasting quality.
The good-natured Buddhist monk and scientist, Frenchman Matthieu Ricard, has been called the happiest man in the world because tests conducted on his brain show he has an outstanding ability to remain positive for long periods under conditions that would ordinarily be stressful. For Matthieu, happiness is “above all, a love of life”, he says, and a matter of perspective. His level of inner peace might seem beyond the reach of most of us, but it’s hard not to be inspired by him to at least do what we can.
“Anyone who enjoys inner peace is no more broken by failure than he is inflated by success,” he says. But, sorry, there are no shortcuts.
“We must cultivate the states of mind that favour authentic happiness and eliminate afflictive thoughts and emotions that undermine it. This requires determination and perseverance.” Damn. For most mere mortals this usually means a fair investment in therapy of some kind. People don’t just get there by themselves.
If you’re not happy, here are three words to take to heart: Do something different.
Unfortunately, human nature means it can often take a crisis for people to want to change. A relationship breakdown, a major health scare, the death of a loved one can all cause us to reassess what’s important and decide to jettison what’s not working. If you manage to steer your life in a more positive direction as a result, you can be thankful for the wake-up call, as painful as it might have been.
Neuroscientists, psychologists and Buddhist scholars have measured happiness in different ways in recent decades to discover its causes. As well as pointing to the benefits of meditation, their research shows people are happiest when they are grateful for the good things in their lives, are altruistic, optimistic about the future, and enjoy other people’s company. These are all things within each individual’s power to obtain and they have nothing to do with being rich, thin or beautiful.
Poverty isn’t good for either your health or happiness, but once you have an average income you will not be happier by having more, so the studies say. The quest for more is unending, of course, which is why it fails to produce greater happiness.
“What about children?” you might ask. “Surely they’re a source of happiness for people?” Yes, they’re a source of happiness, but life actually gets harder once the first child arrives and people’s happiness levels drop.
Psychologist Daniel Gilbert caused some controversy by saying that having children doesn’t make people happier but we need to believe it does in order to perpetuate our race. His research found people experienced just a bit more pleasure playing with their children than doing the housework and not as much pleasure as talking with friends, eating or (how embarrassing) watching TV. Call me weird – I would much rather watch the whales.
So now we know, thanks to scientific research, what the world’s major religions have been telling us for ages about how to behave, we can attempt to do what the ancient philosopher Epicurus recommended and “practise the things which produce happiness, since if that is present we have everything and if it is absent we do everything in order to have it”. Go for it!
This is a moment of collective ‘happiness’. Cheerfulness, exhilaration, festiveness, gleefulness, good-naturedness and sunniness are some of the other words for it. They’re words that on their own can lift the spirits. (Try saying them out loud.)
Here we’re experiencing a moment of respite from the concerns of the past and worries about the future. Pure wonder and enjoyment – if only we could bottle it.
Happiness comes in different forms. Moments of it can be found in the simplest of pleasures, like whale-watching, or something more profound. Our ability to notice and appreciate these moments enriches our lives. Consider the feel of a toddler’s delicate hand as you hold it crossing the street; a surprise kiss on the neck from your lover; rain falling after years of drought; the end of a war at last. While these things are undoubtedly wonderful, the type of happiness they cause is ephemeral, sure to pass, and tomorrow new challenges will come our way. Being able to accept the reality that change and difficulties are part of life’s package means moving a step closer to finding the key.
‘Happiness’ can seem a superficial goal at times, and now that an industry has built up around the concept, it’s easy to see it as yet another commodity. Perhaps ‘contentment’ or ‘inner peace’ might be better words to use; they have a lasting quality.
The good-natured Buddhist monk and scientist, Frenchman Matthieu Ricard, has been called the happiest man in the world because tests conducted on his brain show he has an outstanding ability to remain positive for long periods under conditions that would ordinarily be stressful. For Matthieu, happiness is “above all, a love of life”, he says, and a matter of perspective. His level of inner peace might seem beyond the reach of most of us, but it’s hard not to be inspired by him to at least do what we can.
“Anyone who enjoys inner peace is no more broken by failure than he is inflated by success,” he says. But, sorry, there are no shortcuts.
“We must cultivate the states of mind that favour authentic happiness and eliminate afflictive thoughts and emotions that undermine it. This requires determination and perseverance.” Damn. For most mere mortals this usually means a fair investment in therapy of some kind. People don’t just get there by themselves.
If you’re not happy, here are three words to take to heart: Do something different.
Unfortunately, human nature means it can often take a crisis for people to want to change. A relationship breakdown, a major health scare, the death of a loved one can all cause us to reassess what’s important and decide to jettison what’s not working. If you manage to steer your life in a more positive direction as a result, you can be thankful for the wake-up call, as painful as it might have been.
Neuroscientists, psychologists and Buddhist scholars have measured happiness in different ways in recent decades to discover its causes. As well as pointing to the benefits of meditation, their research shows people are happiest when they are grateful for the good things in their lives, are altruistic, optimistic about the future, and enjoy other people’s company. These are all things within each individual’s power to obtain and they have nothing to do with being rich, thin or beautiful.
Poverty isn’t good for either your health or happiness, but once you have an average income you will not be happier by having more, so the studies say. The quest for more is unending, of course, which is why it fails to produce greater happiness.
“What about children?” you might ask. “Surely they’re a source of happiness for people?” Yes, they’re a source of happiness, but life actually gets harder once the first child arrives and people’s happiness levels drop.
Psychologist Daniel Gilbert caused some controversy by saying that having children doesn’t make people happier but we need to believe it does in order to perpetuate our race. His research found people experienced just a bit more pleasure playing with their children than doing the housework and not as much pleasure as talking with friends, eating or (how embarrassing) watching TV. Call me weird – I would much rather watch the whales.
So now we know, thanks to scientific research, what the world’s major religions have been telling us for ages about how to behave, we can attempt to do what the ancient philosopher Epicurus recommended and “practise the things which produce happiness, since if that is present we have everything and if it is absent we do everything in order to have it”. Go for it!
Sunday 9 October 2011
A moment's thought
With regard to couples, all conflict is a sign that growth is trying to happen as well as a protest against losing a sense of connectedness.
Tuesday 4 October 2011
Simplify your life
Feeling unmotivated, stuck, just not really happy? Try getting rid of some of the junk you’ve been holding onto for years – those objects bought at garage sales and never used, piles of outdated magazines kept “just in case”, shabby suitcases, yellowing birthday cards. Something else might shift in your life as a result.
Quite a bit has been written in recent years about the connection between the state of the head and the state of the home. The buzz word is “decluttering”, with the underlying message being that clearing the physical space in your home can clear up your mental and emotional spaces too.
One reason why this works is simply because you’re taking action rather than passively waiting for something to make a change for you, and there’s power in that. Another reason is not quite as straightforward because it relies on your emotional willingness to let go of objects that don’t serve you any more, as we shall see.
A few weeks ago I finally said goodbye to a skinny pair of burnt-orange jeans I’d once loved. I was free at last. I hadn’t been able to wear those jeans for 12 years, apart from a brief period of sudden stress-related weight loss three years ago. They hung there vivid in my wardrobe, taunting me like a pretty young rival, and year after year I still couldn’t let them go.
Overnight, or so it seemed to me, 12 years ago I became softer and rounder, with thighs and a waist I didn’t recognise. Lines appeared on my face and my hair was turning grey. And all of this coincided with the end of what had been for me a happy, busy and purposeful time – my daughter’s childhood.
I see now that those jeans represented a glorious time between youth and middle age when I still felt young and attractive (okay, slim), self-assured, competent and clear about my purpose in life. In short, it was a time I very much wanted to have back once it was gone. Holding onto those jeans was a sign of not having expressed my grief about the loss of all those things – and that was the key to getting through it.
Once I did my grieving, I was finally able to bring that ‘stuck’ part of myself into the present and live more fully again.
Grief is not something you can get around; it has to be gone through, fully expressed, in order to dissipate. So goodbye, orange jeans (not to mention a certain slinky dress, my daughter’s baby toys, school reports and a large amount of junk in the attic).
Our homes are a lot like our psyches. How bare or cluttered they are, how warm and inviting, says a lot about us and where we’re up to in our lives. What is hidden in the attic or under the bed is closely related to those things in our minds we don’t want other people to know about or we simply can’t face ourselves just yet.
Sometimes we hold onto material we don’t need any more out of an irrational, almost superstitious fear that something terrible will happen if we let it go.
Author Peter Walsh, who has written a number of books on the subject of clutter, says it’s rarely about “the stuff”.
“Clutter is about fear of losing memories, or worry about the future, or a sense that something bad is going to happen,” he says. “It’s a way of dealing with loss, or even a way of masking the pain of some past trauma.”
In assisting people to understand the role of clutter in their lives, he says he always starts by asking whether they’re living the life they want. When they finally get rid of the clutter, the change can be profound.
“As soon as people have space to breathe, their spirits lift,” he says. “They have new energy and hope.”
Due to our personalities or just what we have been accustomed to since childhood, we order our environments in ways that help us to manage our anxiety levels. Some people need predictability, routine and plenty of clear surfaces in order to feel calm, others need just the opposite, and of course other individuals sit somewhere on the scale in between.
Spring-cleaning can be refreshing, freeing the psyche from the emotional burden of what is now just junk. If you’re surrounded by material clutter in your home, a good question to ask yourself is how does it make you feel? If the answer is “not good” or “ guilty” or “ashamed”, for example, you have much to gain by sorting it out. If some things are just too hard to part with, pack them into boxes and store them. In another year or so you might feel differently.
But what about emotional clutter? How do we clear our emotional attics?
Sometimes emotional clutter is created by leaving important things unsaid. This can keep you unnecessarily stuck in the past. If you go about it carefully, you can free yourself by having that difficult conversation, ‘fessing up to what’s been niggling you. If this is too difficult to do on your own yet is causing persistent misery, writing a letter that you don’t post or discussing it with a therapist can help.
Another sign that you might need to do some mental spring-cleaning is if you find yourself going over and over particular conversations or events obsessively, as though the needle is stuck on the record. Meditation or any exercise that focuses your attention on the present can be useful because often this repetitive thinking is about dwelling in the past or worrying about the future in a way that isn’t getting you anywhere.
Understanding the origin of this type of emotion is the key to unlocking it, or at least to being in control of it rather than it being in control of you. Clearing it out of your emotional attic can create space for more positive interactions.
I’m not suggesting this is easy. Very often it takes professional assistance from an objective outsider such as a counsellor or therapist to unlock the old unhelpful patterns that hamper your happiness, and that costs money. On the other hand, a practice that costs nothing and can be extremely beneficial is to take time out on a regular basis just to be with yourself, to slow down, do some relaxation or breathing exercises, meditation, or just to walk and think.
I know, I know. I can hear the choruses of “But I don’t have time” ringing out all over the country. Here’s an idea: try one week without television and see what else you might do with that time. Time really is something you have to give yourself because if you wait for it to turn up, you could be waiting until you’re 100.
Use some scheduled quiet time each week to remind yourself what inspires you, makes you feel most alive, and is what you really want to do with your time. It’s like clearing away those boxes in the attic or tossing out those burnt-orange jeans. It just might allow some space for your innate inner wisdom to show you what’s really important to you. You are undoubtedly worth it.
Quite a bit has been written in recent years about the connection between the state of the head and the state of the home. The buzz word is “decluttering”, with the underlying message being that clearing the physical space in your home can clear up your mental and emotional spaces too.
One reason why this works is simply because you’re taking action rather than passively waiting for something to make a change for you, and there’s power in that. Another reason is not quite as straightforward because it relies on your emotional willingness to let go of objects that don’t serve you any more, as we shall see.
A few weeks ago I finally said goodbye to a skinny pair of burnt-orange jeans I’d once loved. I was free at last. I hadn’t been able to wear those jeans for 12 years, apart from a brief period of sudden stress-related weight loss three years ago. They hung there vivid in my wardrobe, taunting me like a pretty young rival, and year after year I still couldn’t let them go.
Overnight, or so it seemed to me, 12 years ago I became softer and rounder, with thighs and a waist I didn’t recognise. Lines appeared on my face and my hair was turning grey. And all of this coincided with the end of what had been for me a happy, busy and purposeful time – my daughter’s childhood.
I see now that those jeans represented a glorious time between youth and middle age when I still felt young and attractive (okay, slim), self-assured, competent and clear about my purpose in life. In short, it was a time I very much wanted to have back once it was gone. Holding onto those jeans was a sign of not having expressed my grief about the loss of all those things – and that was the key to getting through it.
Once I did my grieving, I was finally able to bring that ‘stuck’ part of myself into the present and live more fully again.
Grief is not something you can get around; it has to be gone through, fully expressed, in order to dissipate. So goodbye, orange jeans (not to mention a certain slinky dress, my daughter’s baby toys, school reports and a large amount of junk in the attic).
Our homes are a lot like our psyches. How bare or cluttered they are, how warm and inviting, says a lot about us and where we’re up to in our lives. What is hidden in the attic or under the bed is closely related to those things in our minds we don’t want other people to know about or we simply can’t face ourselves just yet.
Sometimes we hold onto material we don’t need any more out of an irrational, almost superstitious fear that something terrible will happen if we let it go.
Author Peter Walsh, who has written a number of books on the subject of clutter, says it’s rarely about “the stuff”.
“Clutter is about fear of losing memories, or worry about the future, or a sense that something bad is going to happen,” he says. “It’s a way of dealing with loss, or even a way of masking the pain of some past trauma.”
In assisting people to understand the role of clutter in their lives, he says he always starts by asking whether they’re living the life they want. When they finally get rid of the clutter, the change can be profound.
“As soon as people have space to breathe, their spirits lift,” he says. “They have new energy and hope.”
Due to our personalities or just what we have been accustomed to since childhood, we order our environments in ways that help us to manage our anxiety levels. Some people need predictability, routine and plenty of clear surfaces in order to feel calm, others need just the opposite, and of course other individuals sit somewhere on the scale in between.
Spring-cleaning can be refreshing, freeing the psyche from the emotional burden of what is now just junk. If you’re surrounded by material clutter in your home, a good question to ask yourself is how does it make you feel? If the answer is “not good” or “ guilty” or “ashamed”, for example, you have much to gain by sorting it out. If some things are just too hard to part with, pack them into boxes and store them. In another year or so you might feel differently.
But what about emotional clutter? How do we clear our emotional attics?
Sometimes emotional clutter is created by leaving important things unsaid. This can keep you unnecessarily stuck in the past. If you go about it carefully, you can free yourself by having that difficult conversation, ‘fessing up to what’s been niggling you. If this is too difficult to do on your own yet is causing persistent misery, writing a letter that you don’t post or discussing it with a therapist can help.
Another sign that you might need to do some mental spring-cleaning is if you find yourself going over and over particular conversations or events obsessively, as though the needle is stuck on the record. Meditation or any exercise that focuses your attention on the present can be useful because often this repetitive thinking is about dwelling in the past or worrying about the future in a way that isn’t getting you anywhere.
Understanding the origin of this type of emotion is the key to unlocking it, or at least to being in control of it rather than it being in control of you. Clearing it out of your emotional attic can create space for more positive interactions.
I’m not suggesting this is easy. Very often it takes professional assistance from an objective outsider such as a counsellor or therapist to unlock the old unhelpful patterns that hamper your happiness, and that costs money. On the other hand, a practice that costs nothing and can be extremely beneficial is to take time out on a regular basis just to be with yourself, to slow down, do some relaxation or breathing exercises, meditation, or just to walk and think.
I know, I know. I can hear the choruses of “But I don’t have time” ringing out all over the country. Here’s an idea: try one week without television and see what else you might do with that time. Time really is something you have to give yourself because if you wait for it to turn up, you could be waiting until you’re 100.
Use some scheduled quiet time each week to remind yourself what inspires you, makes you feel most alive, and is what you really want to do with your time. It’s like clearing away those boxes in the attic or tossing out those burnt-orange jeans. It just might allow some space for your innate inner wisdom to show you what’s really important to you. You are undoubtedly worth it.
Sunday 2 October 2011
What to do about feeling guilty
Guilt. How much of it are you carrying around, and how is that working for you?
Not everyone feels guilty, of course. Sometimes it seems that the people who don't feel guilty are the ones who possibly should (if anyone should), while the ones who do shouldn't.
Modern mothers feel a huge amount of guilt, especially single mothers. It's something they rarely talk about, but I know from counselling several single mothers that they often feel guilty for not giving their children the traditional two-parent family. As if it's their fault. That's on top of the usual mothers' guilt about not spending enough time with their children, their work, or their partners, friends and parents. Talk about being hard on yourself.
Many of us live with a constant low-level guilt because we feel we should be doing things better.
Be careful when you hear yourself using that word, "should". Try to avoid it - it's like a cane with which to beat yourself. Next time ask yourself whose voice that is in your head. Who says you should exercise more, spend less, have a tidier home, be more disciplined, telephone your parents more often, supervise your children's homework more, help out at the school, work longer hours, earn more money, do any of these things?
You might think you are the one waving a finger at yourself, but it's often the case that you have simply absorbed these injunctions from your parents from a very early age. Their admonishments have become your admonishments. Now you judge yourself as lazy, extravagant, bad, untidy, selfish - that is, in some way unsuccessful and basically just not good enough. (As American humorist Erma Bombeck once said, "Guilt - the gift that keeps on giving.")
Even the best of parents will engender some of these feelings simply because their job is to teach their children how to be safe and how to get along in society, which requires a fair bit of correction and use of the word "don't". Children with more sensitive natures will be more inclined to take such admonishments to heart.
Some parents are masters of manipulation through guilt, and little children are particularly susceptible. Excellent at adapting to their environment, they soon learn what pleases their parents and what doesn't, and will use this knowledge to survive and get the love, affection and recognition they need. Later they will use it as a means of rebellion, a normal part of their paths to independence.
Parents aren't the only source of engendered guilt. Messages and images in the media can also play a part. Just look at all those perfect families in ads for just about anything.
The sort of guilt I have been describing is not helpful or nurturing. It chips away at your self-respect and overshadows your many good qualities. It's not fair and it's definitely not kind. Being aware of it is the first step in diminishing its power. The next step is to be compassionate towards yourself and let guilt go. Don't give any air to any thoughts connected to it. Just notice it and say, "Ah, you again, guilty feeling. I don't need you today, goodbye."
Another type of guilt needs attention of a different sort - that is, when you really have done something you believe is wrong or hurtful.
Walking around under the burden of a guilty secret can damage your self-esteem, colour your world and interfere with your relationships. Somehow you need to find forgiveness for yourself.
This might mean 'fessing up to the injured party, or, if that is too dangerous and likely to be destructive, at least talk with a therapist and tell the truth at last. You might just find this takes some of the weight out of the secret and helps you to accept yourself more.
On the other hand, if it is safe to tell someone you're sorry for what you have done, you stand to gain their understanding and acceptance and a deeper, richer relationship as a result. You also give them the opportunity to forgive you, which can free them too.
We all make mistakes. Living in guilt for something you did in the past and cannot change is no way to make the most of life now.
(c) Carolyn Parfitt
Not everyone feels guilty, of course. Sometimes it seems that the people who don't feel guilty are the ones who possibly should (if anyone should), while the ones who do shouldn't.
Modern mothers feel a huge amount of guilt, especially single mothers. It's something they rarely talk about, but I know from counselling several single mothers that they often feel guilty for not giving their children the traditional two-parent family. As if it's their fault. That's on top of the usual mothers' guilt about not spending enough time with their children, their work, or their partners, friends and parents. Talk about being hard on yourself.
Many of us live with a constant low-level guilt because we feel we should be doing things better.
Be careful when you hear yourself using that word, "should". Try to avoid it - it's like a cane with which to beat yourself. Next time ask yourself whose voice that is in your head. Who says you should exercise more, spend less, have a tidier home, be more disciplined, telephone your parents more often, supervise your children's homework more, help out at the school, work longer hours, earn more money, do any of these things?
You might think you are the one waving a finger at yourself, but it's often the case that you have simply absorbed these injunctions from your parents from a very early age. Their admonishments have become your admonishments. Now you judge yourself as lazy, extravagant, bad, untidy, selfish - that is, in some way unsuccessful and basically just not good enough. (As American humorist Erma Bombeck once said, "Guilt - the gift that keeps on giving.")
Even the best of parents will engender some of these feelings simply because their job is to teach their children how to be safe and how to get along in society, which requires a fair bit of correction and use of the word "don't". Children with more sensitive natures will be more inclined to take such admonishments to heart.
Some parents are masters of manipulation through guilt, and little children are particularly susceptible. Excellent at adapting to their environment, they soon learn what pleases their parents and what doesn't, and will use this knowledge to survive and get the love, affection and recognition they need. Later they will use it as a means of rebellion, a normal part of their paths to independence.
Parents aren't the only source of engendered guilt. Messages and images in the media can also play a part. Just look at all those perfect families in ads for just about anything.
The sort of guilt I have been describing is not helpful or nurturing. It chips away at your self-respect and overshadows your many good qualities. It's not fair and it's definitely not kind. Being aware of it is the first step in diminishing its power. The next step is to be compassionate towards yourself and let guilt go. Don't give any air to any thoughts connected to it. Just notice it and say, "Ah, you again, guilty feeling. I don't need you today, goodbye."
Another type of guilt needs attention of a different sort - that is, when you really have done something you believe is wrong or hurtful.
Walking around under the burden of a guilty secret can damage your self-esteem, colour your world and interfere with your relationships. Somehow you need to find forgiveness for yourself.
This might mean 'fessing up to the injured party, or, if that is too dangerous and likely to be destructive, at least talk with a therapist and tell the truth at last. You might just find this takes some of the weight out of the secret and helps you to accept yourself more.
On the other hand, if it is safe to tell someone you're sorry for what you have done, you stand to gain their understanding and acceptance and a deeper, richer relationship as a result. You also give them the opportunity to forgive you, which can free them too.
We all make mistakes. Living in guilt for something you did in the past and cannot change is no way to make the most of life now.
(c) Carolyn Parfitt
A few things to know about anger
If you want to take the sting out of the anger in your life, whether it's your own anger or somebody else's, first consider your beliefs about it.
Can you allow yourself and others to be angry, for example, or do you just want to run and hide? Do you have a strong value judgement about anger? Is it good, bad, harmful, ugly or just one of those things? If you view anger as a bad thing, and yourself as "bad" for expressing it (and who told you that, by the way?), it's going to be more of a problem than it needs to be.
Many of us shy away from anger, even fear it. Think back to your earliest memory of experiencing it. As children, the anger we expressed was most likely crushed from a great height by those towering grown-ups who fed us ("Don't raise your voice at me!"). Yet they expressed it, and that could be very scary.
Due to the sponge-like ability of children to absorb the feelings crackling in the air around them, our parents' anger sometimes lodged in our very cells. In future times of dispute or raised voices, we recall these fears like a warning and deal with anger in much the same way as we did back then. This is why we can feel very small and vulnerable when faced with anger. We back off, change the subject, pretend it didn't happen, cry, get angry in return, and so on, none of it very productive.
Yet just like fear, love, sadness, shame and joy, anger is a normal human emotion felt by everyone at some time, and it has a protective purpose. Anger is a signal that you are feeling under threat, and it's a reasonable response.
It's reasonable, for example, to feel angry if someone belittles you or if your partner lies to you or if a careless driver rams your car. 'Own it', as they say. It's not up to anyone else to tell you whether or not you can be angry. You are. How you act on it is another question entirely.
[Before you go any further, let me be clear that here I'm solely talking about anger where no physical violence or threat of violence is involved. My point of view is that violence is never okay.]
Ideally, you'll be able to find a way to step aside from the situation. Just notice that red-hot anger surfacing and walk away, breathe deeply and count to 20. Still there? Keep walking, maybe around the block.
If it's other people's anger you're facing, try to put up a mental shield that says, "You're angry and that's okay. It's your anger; I don't have to take it on." You could even visualise a shield as in the form of a mirror on your forehead reflecting the anger back to its owner. Now you have created a boundary that distinguishes between the other person's 'stuff' and your own.
With regard to your own anger, your aim is to express it assertively rather than aggressively, in a way that serves you well and doesn't leave you feeling worse than before. By being assertive, you're more likely to get your point across, and that will help to defuse your anger. By speaking up clearly, you're not denying your anger and you're respecting your own feelings and rights.
To do this well, it's best to refrain from using words like "never" and "always" (for example, "You never help me, you're always somewhere else") and to name the feelings you're experiencing. Start sentences with "I" to take responsibility for your feelings - for example, "I feel hurt and let down that you don't consider me more often"; "I'm sad because I miss what we used to have"; "I feel angry because I feel left out".
Anger is sometimes used to mask other feelings. For men in particular, it can mask sadness and fear. In terms of social conditioning, men have traditionally had more permission to express anger than women, so it can become their default emotion, disguising something they're less comfortable to express. The opposite applies to women.
Something many people don't realise is that anger is often a component of grief. It can be very confusing to find yourself feeling angry with your dearly departed (who has gone and left you, dammit), but it is common and normal and doesn't mean you don't love them deeply just the same.
Seeing your anger for what it is and acquiring new ways of dealing with it will help you to change the tendency we all have to pass our anger along a chain to others, creating a domino effect. You know, when someone at work tells you off during the day, then you lose your temper with your partner at home in the evening, and later your child throws a tantrum when it's time for bed. The benefits of finding a new way, for you and those around you, are obvious.
(c) Carolyn Parfitt
Can you allow yourself and others to be angry, for example, or do you just want to run and hide? Do you have a strong value judgement about anger? Is it good, bad, harmful, ugly or just one of those things? If you view anger as a bad thing, and yourself as "bad" for expressing it (and who told you that, by the way?), it's going to be more of a problem than it needs to be.
Many of us shy away from anger, even fear it. Think back to your earliest memory of experiencing it. As children, the anger we expressed was most likely crushed from a great height by those towering grown-ups who fed us ("Don't raise your voice at me!"). Yet they expressed it, and that could be very scary.
Due to the sponge-like ability of children to absorb the feelings crackling in the air around them, our parents' anger sometimes lodged in our very cells. In future times of dispute or raised voices, we recall these fears like a warning and deal with anger in much the same way as we did back then. This is why we can feel very small and vulnerable when faced with anger. We back off, change the subject, pretend it didn't happen, cry, get angry in return, and so on, none of it very productive.
Yet just like fear, love, sadness, shame and joy, anger is a normal human emotion felt by everyone at some time, and it has a protective purpose. Anger is a signal that you are feeling under threat, and it's a reasonable response.
It's reasonable, for example, to feel angry if someone belittles you or if your partner lies to you or if a careless driver rams your car. 'Own it', as they say. It's not up to anyone else to tell you whether or not you can be angry. You are. How you act on it is another question entirely.
[Before you go any further, let me be clear that here I'm solely talking about anger where no physical violence or threat of violence is involved. My point of view is that violence is never okay.]
Ideally, you'll be able to find a way to step aside from the situation. Just notice that red-hot anger surfacing and walk away, breathe deeply and count to 20. Still there? Keep walking, maybe around the block.
If it's other people's anger you're facing, try to put up a mental shield that says, "You're angry and that's okay. It's your anger; I don't have to take it on." You could even visualise a shield as in the form of a mirror on your forehead reflecting the anger back to its owner. Now you have created a boundary that distinguishes between the other person's 'stuff' and your own.
With regard to your own anger, your aim is to express it assertively rather than aggressively, in a way that serves you well and doesn't leave you feeling worse than before. By being assertive, you're more likely to get your point across, and that will help to defuse your anger. By speaking up clearly, you're not denying your anger and you're respecting your own feelings and rights.
To do this well, it's best to refrain from using words like "never" and "always" (for example, "You never help me, you're always somewhere else") and to name the feelings you're experiencing. Start sentences with "I" to take responsibility for your feelings - for example, "I feel hurt and let down that you don't consider me more often"; "I'm sad because I miss what we used to have"; "I feel angry because I feel left out".
Anger is sometimes used to mask other feelings. For men in particular, it can mask sadness and fear. In terms of social conditioning, men have traditionally had more permission to express anger than women, so it can become their default emotion, disguising something they're less comfortable to express. The opposite applies to women.
Something many people don't realise is that anger is often a component of grief. It can be very confusing to find yourself feeling angry with your dearly departed (who has gone and left you, dammit), but it is common and normal and doesn't mean you don't love them deeply just the same.
Seeing your anger for what it is and acquiring new ways of dealing with it will help you to change the tendency we all have to pass our anger along a chain to others, creating a domino effect. You know, when someone at work tells you off during the day, then you lose your temper with your partner at home in the evening, and later your child throws a tantrum when it's time for bed. The benefits of finding a new way, for you and those around you, are obvious.
(c) Carolyn Parfitt
Thursday 29 September 2011
How to refresh your relationship
Of course, if the horse is dead, as the saying goes, it’s time to dismount. Get out of the saddle, leave the track, call for the undertaker. But if there’s some life in the old nag yet, and you really would miss her if she were gone, step up into those stirrups and kick.
The subject of your relationship is a serious one, of course. I’m being intentionally playful here because an element of fun is often what’s missing, particularly when we start to think about what’s not working. The idea of ‘trying’ to make a relationship work can seem all too hard. Shouldn’t it just work if it’s good, if it’s ‘meant to be’?
Well, no. Every long-term relationship that ever was has had times of conflict, boredom and uncertainty (even HM The Queen's, I read recently). Relationships are not static things; they’re dynamic, thank goodness, and this means they need fresh creative input from time to time to keep them alive.
Obviously, if you have decided to read this article, chances are your relationship is feeling a bit flat just now. Maybe you have even thought about leaving, but you know deep down you’d really rather not. So how do you go about getting happier?
Here are a few ideas.
• Take an honest look at yourself in the relationship. Consider the possibility that if you’re not happy, it’s likely your partner isn’t either. Perhaps you are sexually restless and the resentment you consequently feel is making you criticise him (or her) more. Perhaps your partner’s ageing is a reminder of something you’d prefer not to remember about yourself. How are you making him feel? And how does that make you feel?
• Think about what you would like from your lover that might help you to feel more connected and appreciated. Now do those things for him, generously and with no expectation of receiving them in turn. Why? Because it is absolutely true that you can’t change the other person. Even trying to do so sends the wrong message because we all want to be loved just as we are. What you can improve is your behaviour towards him, and that will in turn begin to improve your relationship.
• Remember what attracted you to this partner in the first place. Which of those qualities do you still admire and what else have you come to appreciate along the way? Write a list. Could you share this information with him?
Sometimes in long-term relationships people forget to compliment their partners, yet this can be so nurturing.
Apart from just making your partner feel good, it’s important to let him [or her, of course*] know you find him attractive if you want to keep your sex life alive. It’s likely he will start to compliment you more often as well, but this is not the purpose of the exercise. Just wait and see, with no expectations. It’s very important not to start a ledger.
• How are you feeling about yourself? Are you happy at work, stressed or needing a change? Do you need some more variety or just a more balanced existence, for example? Quite apart from having fun with your partner, do you need to pursue more interests of your own?
Ideally, both partners in a marriage or similar relationship have a solid sense of who they are and are free to keep developing as individuals. It is when one person leans too heavily on the other for their identity and fulfilment, or when both are going in completely separate directions that things tend to go wrong. Interdependence in the form of teamwork, as well as a high level of respect for each other’s individuality, are important factors in successful marriages.
• Think of your partner as someone you don’t know rather than someone you know all too well. Turn off the TV and talk. Find out more about him. Ask questions about his childhood, for example, and how he felt growing up. What could be sexier than having someone lovingly interested in who you are and what’s important to you? I’m betting that your interest will be returned.
• Tell him how you’re feeling about your relationship – sad, for instance, that you seem to take each other for granted now, or whatever is true for you. Do this without blaming and with love. This will help him to understand your new behaviour towards him and he will see what you’re trying to do. The worst that can happen is that he doesn’t respond; mostly likely though, he will appreciate your efforts, intimacy will grow, and you’ll both start to have a lot more fun.
* In order not to have clumsy him/her constructions, I have written as though to heterosexual women. In doing this, I do not intend to exclude straight men or homosexual people.
How to help a friend in grief
Grief is not a cheery subject, but it is something we are all going to have to deal with at some time. And even though it isn't cheery, it is a sacred emotion that deserves our best efforts.
How can we help friends or family members who have lost someone they love? It's not something we generally know much about until it happens.
An important principle to remember is that your aim is to sensitively facilitate the person's expression of grief. As much as you might want to protect her (or him), it's better to do nothing than to say and do things that block or suppress that grief, even though it is uncomfortable.
Grief is not something we can get around. It has to be felt and expressed so we are not stuck with it and unable to move on. Your job as a friend is to offer a safe space where that can happen. Unresolved grief can lead to a range of problems of its own.
(Subhead) Normal reactions to grief
All of the following are normal reactions: frequent crying; anger; dreams about the deceased; guilt; the need to talk about the person; the need for privacy; relief; yearning; disbelief and numbness; and a range of physical symptoms including sleeplessness or a need for more than usual sleep, stomach aches, headaches, irritableness, depression, yawning or sighing a lot, shakiness, chills.
These symptoms can emerge at any time. Of course, if the physical symptoms persist, it's best to have them checked by a doctor to rule out other causes.
(Subhead) Good grief
Back in the late 1980s, William Worden, an eminent grief and trauma specialist, came up with four 'tasks of mourning' which now form the basis of modern grief counselling. They are:
• To accept the reality of the loss.
• To work through the pain of grief.
• To adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing.
• To emotionally relocate the deceased and move on with life.
It is regarded as healthy to complete each of these tasks rather than becoming stuck on any one. The process to take up to two to three years and sometimes longer.
Completing the tasks doesn't mean the person is now 'over'
her loss, but that she has accepted it as part of her life.
(subhead) What You Can Do
• Tell your friend you're sorry for her loss. If you can't telephone, write a letter or send a card, preferably a blank one so you can use your own words. This is one occasion when text messages and emails just aren't good enough.
• Acknowledge how tough this time must be for her, so she feels you understand. Say, for example, "This must be so hard for you."
• Say how much you liked [use the person's name], if this is the case, and how you will miss him or her too. Later on you might be able to share some fond memories or photographs of being with that person.
• Ask your friend what would be most helpful to her right now - for instance, taking care of children, doing the shopping, driving her to appointments, bringing a cooked meal. Tell her you really want her to give you a job.
• Let her talk as much as she wants to about her experience of loss and the deceased. Gently draw more of her feelings and thoughts out by asking questions in a respectful manner.
• Just be there, a quiet presence in the background, tidying the kitchen, making cups of tea, taking her for a walk in the park. Be comfortable with her silences.
• Where possible, and only if you can genuinely mean it, reassure her she is doing a good job - for instance, in organising the funeral, dealing with relatives, or taking care of herself.
This approach can be applied to dealing with many of life's losses apart from the obvious one of bereavement. This is because so many of our problems stem from loss of one kind or another - from loss of a job to loss of youth to loss of home or our vision of the future. Shaking them off doesn't serve us well. We need to properly grieve for all of these things in order to come to accept them and move on.
How can we help friends or family members who have lost someone they love? It's not something we generally know much about until it happens.
An important principle to remember is that your aim is to sensitively facilitate the person's expression of grief. As much as you might want to protect her (or him), it's better to do nothing than to say and do things that block or suppress that grief, even though it is uncomfortable.
Grief is not something we can get around. It has to be felt and expressed so we are not stuck with it and unable to move on. Your job as a friend is to offer a safe space where that can happen. Unresolved grief can lead to a range of problems of its own.
(Subhead) Normal reactions to grief
All of the following are normal reactions: frequent crying; anger; dreams about the deceased; guilt; the need to talk about the person; the need for privacy; relief; yearning; disbelief and numbness; and a range of physical symptoms including sleeplessness or a need for more than usual sleep, stomach aches, headaches, irritableness, depression, yawning or sighing a lot, shakiness, chills.
These symptoms can emerge at any time. Of course, if the physical symptoms persist, it's best to have them checked by a doctor to rule out other causes.
(Subhead) Good grief
Back in the late 1980s, William Worden, an eminent grief and trauma specialist, came up with four 'tasks of mourning' which now form the basis of modern grief counselling. They are:
• To accept the reality of the loss.
• To work through the pain of grief.
• To adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing.
• To emotionally relocate the deceased and move on with life.
It is regarded as healthy to complete each of these tasks rather than becoming stuck on any one. The process to take up to two to three years and sometimes longer.
Completing the tasks doesn't mean the person is now 'over'
her loss, but that she has accepted it as part of her life.
(subhead) What You Can Do
• Tell your friend you're sorry for her loss. If you can't telephone, write a letter or send a card, preferably a blank one so you can use your own words. This is one occasion when text messages and emails just aren't good enough.
• Acknowledge how tough this time must be for her, so she feels you understand. Say, for example, "This must be so hard for you."
• Say how much you liked [use the person's name], if this is the case, and how you will miss him or her too. Later on you might be able to share some fond memories or photographs of being with that person.
• Ask your friend what would be most helpful to her right now - for instance, taking care of children, doing the shopping, driving her to appointments, bringing a cooked meal. Tell her you really want her to give you a job.
• Let her talk as much as she wants to about her experience of loss and the deceased. Gently draw more of her feelings and thoughts out by asking questions in a respectful manner.
• Just be there, a quiet presence in the background, tidying the kitchen, making cups of tea, taking her for a walk in the park. Be comfortable with her silences.
• Where possible, and only if you can genuinely mean it, reassure her she is doing a good job - for instance, in organising the funeral, dealing with relatives, or taking care of herself.
This approach can be applied to dealing with many of life's losses apart from the obvious one of bereavement. This is because so many of our problems stem from loss of one kind or another - from loss of a job to loss of youth to loss of home or our vision of the future. Shaking them off doesn't serve us well. We need to properly grieve for all of these things in order to come to accept them and move on.
Married to an only child? What you need to know
Having discussed the importance of birth order previously, I'd now like to have a closer look at the only child. With the number of only children increasing in our society, it's useful to understand these often delightful individuals, particularly if you find yourself married to one (see footnote).
You might be an only child yourself, in which case this article might help you to know and accept yourself more. Or, like an increasing number of Australians, you might be the parent of an only child. (In the most recent census, 13.2 per cent of women aged 40 to 44 years had just one child compared with 8 per cent in 1981.)
As with all birth positions, being an only child comes with advantages and disadvantages. The key benefits are that only children tend to do well academically and tend to have a healthy self-esteem. On the down side, they can feel more pressured than other people and take things more to heart.
In previous generations, having an only child was most often due to some misfortune such as divorce or death or secondary infertility. In contemporary society, however, choice is much more of a factor, along with divorce and the tendency to have children later.
In marriage or a similar partnership, being aware of the following only-child traits will help you to have a more harmonious life, if you can make allowances for them:
• Only children need more time and space to themselves than other people do. As children they learnt to enjoy their own games and fantasy life and consequently could feel interrupted by the attentions of their interested, well-intentioned parents.
• Not surprisingly, they don't like being interrupted when they're absorbed in a project or, for example, a quiet period of reading (although they will interrupt others). Choose your moment sensitively - they will appreciate it.
• They can easily feel suffocated by relationships.
• They can be prone to the odd tantrum.
• They like to be organised and have a schedule. They're likely to be the list-makers among us.
• To make up for not having siblings, only children will often form very strong bonds with particular friends. They are also likely to create a substitute family from their wider circle.
Naturally, only children share many of the characteristics ascribed to first-born children. After all, they are first-borns too. The main difference is that they never experienced being displaced by a new arrival, and the pang of jealousy that can accompany that.
Life without siblings can also mean that only children will take disagreements very personally. They haven't learnt in the normal daily run of things that it's possible to be furious with someone in the morning and best friends again in the afternoon.
Growing up, only children haven't had to take turns for the shower or the right to choose television programs, so they can be impatient - explosive even - when things don't go their way. They're also not great with surprises and sudden changes of plan.
Only children seem to have an even stronger need for recognition than other first-borns, which comes from wanting to please their parents so much. For some, this need will never be satisfactorily filled. They can be quite hard on themselves, and this can be frustrating for loved ones who want them to be happy with what they have.
Many factors act to strengthen or dilute the characteristics of any birth position, and one of the most important is the parents' relationship. Given the intensity of the only child's relationship with the parents, in general this will impact on them more than for children with siblings.
One of the greatest difficulties for only children comes later in life, when they have to care for their ageing parents with no one else who can share the emotional and physical burden in quite the same way. Losing their parents can be devastating, particularly when the remaining one passes away. Suddenly there's no one who shares their memories of significant episodes in their early family life, and this is a lonely place.
If you're married to an only child who is experiencing this, be gentle. You can't fill this aching gap, and you might even experience some underlying resentment from them for that, but you can try to be as patient and empathetic as possible.
Footnote: My husband and child are both much-adored only children.
You might be an only child yourself, in which case this article might help you to know and accept yourself more. Or, like an increasing number of Australians, you might be the parent of an only child. (In the most recent census, 13.2 per cent of women aged 40 to 44 years had just one child compared with 8 per cent in 1981.)
As with all birth positions, being an only child comes with advantages and disadvantages. The key benefits are that only children tend to do well academically and tend to have a healthy self-esteem. On the down side, they can feel more pressured than other people and take things more to heart.
In previous generations, having an only child was most often due to some misfortune such as divorce or death or secondary infertility. In contemporary society, however, choice is much more of a factor, along with divorce and the tendency to have children later.
In marriage or a similar partnership, being aware of the following only-child traits will help you to have a more harmonious life, if you can make allowances for them:
• Only children need more time and space to themselves than other people do. As children they learnt to enjoy their own games and fantasy life and consequently could feel interrupted by the attentions of their interested, well-intentioned parents.
• Not surprisingly, they don't like being interrupted when they're absorbed in a project or, for example, a quiet period of reading (although they will interrupt others). Choose your moment sensitively - they will appreciate it.
• They can easily feel suffocated by relationships.
• They can be prone to the odd tantrum.
• They like to be organised and have a schedule. They're likely to be the list-makers among us.
• To make up for not having siblings, only children will often form very strong bonds with particular friends. They are also likely to create a substitute family from their wider circle.
Naturally, only children share many of the characteristics ascribed to first-born children. After all, they are first-borns too. The main difference is that they never experienced being displaced by a new arrival, and the pang of jealousy that can accompany that.
Life without siblings can also mean that only children will take disagreements very personally. They haven't learnt in the normal daily run of things that it's possible to be furious with someone in the morning and best friends again in the afternoon.
Growing up, only children haven't had to take turns for the shower or the right to choose television programs, so they can be impatient - explosive even - when things don't go their way. They're also not great with surprises and sudden changes of plan.
Only children seem to have an even stronger need for recognition than other first-borns, which comes from wanting to please their parents so much. For some, this need will never be satisfactorily filled. They can be quite hard on themselves, and this can be frustrating for loved ones who want them to be happy with what they have.
Many factors act to strengthen or dilute the characteristics of any birth position, and one of the most important is the parents' relationship. Given the intensity of the only child's relationship with the parents, in general this will impact on them more than for children with siblings.
One of the greatest difficulties for only children comes later in life, when they have to care for their ageing parents with no one else who can share the emotional and physical burden in quite the same way. Losing their parents can be devastating, particularly when the remaining one passes away. Suddenly there's no one who shares their memories of significant episodes in their early family life, and this is a lonely place.
If you're married to an only child who is experiencing this, be gentle. You can't fill this aching gap, and you might even experience some underlying resentment from them for that, but you can try to be as patient and empathetic as possible.
Footnote: My husband and child are both much-adored only children.
Birth order: what yours might say about you
Anyone who has brothers and sisters, or even just one of either, will know that siblings can be remarkably different. Despite having the same parents and largely the same childhood environment, sometimes they can be as different as people who aren't related at all.
Why is this?
The order in which you were born contributes significantly to your personality. Many studies have been done on birth order and some generalisations can now be made about its impact.
Keep in mind that these are generalisations and overlaps can occur. Blended families, age gaps between siblings and gender differences all put their own special colour into the mix.
The key reason why siblings are so different comes down to a case of survival strategy. Competing for their parents' love and attention, it makes sense for siblings to develop characteristics that distinguish them from the ones who arrived earlier.
The first-born child
Children born first in the family have both the privilege of being the eldest and the disadvantage of having inexperienced parents. They are the only children in the family who bask for a time in the adoring glow of their parents' undivided attention. This can be either an advantage or a disadvantage, but generally will contribute to a sturdy self-esteem.
Any children who come next will have parents who are more confident and relaxed about their parenting, and this is likely to free those children in turn from being worriers themselves.
First-born children often tend to be quite conscientious, high-achieving, responsible and able to assume leadership roles. They are the ones most like their parents, who maintain their parents' values. If they have younger siblings, they are also likely to be nurturing and protective.
Of course, only children are also first-borns, so they share these characteristics as well as some that come from not having experienced the rough and tumble of daily life with siblings. For a start, they have less need to control others.
Sensitive to criticism (like other first-borns), only children can also find it hard to realise a person who is angry now can be your best friend again later.
Latter-borns
While individual characteristics can be attributed to both middle and youngest children, they also have some characteristics in common just by not being first-borns. These younger siblings tend to be more adventurous and more likely to question the status quo. Throughout history, they have been the people who have made the scientific breakthroughs, discovered new worlds and challenged the conventional wisdom of their day.
The middle spot
Children in the middle miss out on the feeling of being special that comes with the privileged eldest position or the precious 'baby of the family' place. At the same time, they are the only ones who know what it is like to be both a younger sibling and an older one. This tends to make them empathetic people who are able to adapt well and get along with all types. They can be good negotiators and diplomats.
Middle children might be a bit confused about their identity and importance in the scheme of things. They are often quite different to the other children in the family, even in terms of physical appearance, as a means of attracting attention.
It is sometimes said that in families of four children, the third child will take on the characteristics of a middle child.
The last-born
Many people who are the youngest in their families continue to look young and display child-like qualities well into old age. They have the easiest route through childhood in some ways, in that there is always someone there to help and advise them, but this can have the disadvantage of preventing them from becoming fully independent. They often choose older spouses, possibly as an unconscious way of guaranteeing continued support.
The youngest never have to deal with being displaced in their position. They tend to be charming, free-spirited types who often go into creative fields.
Not better or worse
It's important not to get caught up in thinking one birth position is better than another. They all have pluses and minuses. The aim is to have compassion for yourself and others and understand how your different positions influence how you interact.
Why is this?
The order in which you were born contributes significantly to your personality. Many studies have been done on birth order and some generalisations can now be made about its impact.
Keep in mind that these are generalisations and overlaps can occur. Blended families, age gaps between siblings and gender differences all put their own special colour into the mix.
The key reason why siblings are so different comes down to a case of survival strategy. Competing for their parents' love and attention, it makes sense for siblings to develop characteristics that distinguish them from the ones who arrived earlier.
The first-born child
Children born first in the family have both the privilege of being the eldest and the disadvantage of having inexperienced parents. They are the only children in the family who bask for a time in the adoring glow of their parents' undivided attention. This can be either an advantage or a disadvantage, but generally will contribute to a sturdy self-esteem.
Any children who come next will have parents who are more confident and relaxed about their parenting, and this is likely to free those children in turn from being worriers themselves.
First-born children often tend to be quite conscientious, high-achieving, responsible and able to assume leadership roles. They are the ones most like their parents, who maintain their parents' values. If they have younger siblings, they are also likely to be nurturing and protective.
Of course, only children are also first-borns, so they share these characteristics as well as some that come from not having experienced the rough and tumble of daily life with siblings. For a start, they have less need to control others.
Sensitive to criticism (like other first-borns), only children can also find it hard to realise a person who is angry now can be your best friend again later.
Latter-borns
While individual characteristics can be attributed to both middle and youngest children, they also have some characteristics in common just by not being first-borns. These younger siblings tend to be more adventurous and more likely to question the status quo. Throughout history, they have been the people who have made the scientific breakthroughs, discovered new worlds and challenged the conventional wisdom of their day.
The middle spot
Children in the middle miss out on the feeling of being special that comes with the privileged eldest position or the precious 'baby of the family' place. At the same time, they are the only ones who know what it is like to be both a younger sibling and an older one. This tends to make them empathetic people who are able to adapt well and get along with all types. They can be good negotiators and diplomats.
Middle children might be a bit confused about their identity and importance in the scheme of things. They are often quite different to the other children in the family, even in terms of physical appearance, as a means of attracting attention.
It is sometimes said that in families of four children, the third child will take on the characteristics of a middle child.
The last-born
Many people who are the youngest in their families continue to look young and display child-like qualities well into old age. They have the easiest route through childhood in some ways, in that there is always someone there to help and advise them, but this can have the disadvantage of preventing them from becoming fully independent. They often choose older spouses, possibly as an unconscious way of guaranteeing continued support.
The youngest never have to deal with being displaced in their position. They tend to be charming, free-spirited types who often go into creative fields.
Not better or worse
It's important not to get caught up in thinking one birth position is better than another. They all have pluses and minuses. The aim is to have compassion for yourself and others and understand how your different positions influence how you interact.
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