Why babies need cuddles and smiles

Propped on my desk is a homemade, hand-drawn postcard from my daughter overseas. It shows a mother rabbit cuddling one of her offspring and the words “I love you… to the stars and back”. It refers to a picture book I used to read to her, a reminder of sweet bed-times when she was little, when I’d make her giggle by adding my own words: “I love you to the stars, through the Milky Way, around the entire universe and back.” Naturally I found her reference to our shared memory very touching. Even before Coco was born, I knew I loved her with the fierceness of a tigress standing guard over her cubs. When she did arrive, I found I also acquired the tenderness and patience of a saint. I was amazed by her beauty – those deep, shiny, crystal-clear eyes, dear little lips at my breast, her tiny starfish hands. Many parents have felt his surge of love for their newborns, which is just as well for the human race. As it turns out, love and affection when we are babies are the essential ingredients of healthy development, with benefits for both the immune system and the brain. Because the brain’s orbitofrontal cortex develops almost entirely after birth, a baby’s experiences then are crucial. So this part of the brain’s development, which largely governs a person’s ability to manage his or her emotional responses, is influenced by the baby’s key relationships. Without even realising it, when we enjoy our babies and give them affection, when we respond warmly to their smiles, sing songs to them and look lovingly into their eyes, we are helping to grow that part of the brain that will enable them to interact socially, including their ability to empathise with others. What happens when that affection is missing was demonstrated by the discovery in 1989 of orphanages full of abandoned children in Romania where a ban on birth control had been in place since the late 1960s, leading to many unwanted births. Although their physical needs had been met, the orphans were left in their cots all day without any interaction with adults – no cuddles, no playing, talking or singing – and this part of the brain failed to develop, leaving them with lifelong emotional, behavioural and physical problems. People with damage to the orbitofrontal cortex can’t relate to others sensitively and will be oblivious to the usual social and emotional cues. At the extreme, they can be sociopathic. In evolutionary terms it is a newer part of the brain and is important in managing the emotional reactions set off in the more primitive parts. It can inhibit rage and fear reactions, for instance, applying the brakes and asserting control. As Sue Gerhardt says in her excellent book Why Love Matters (Routledge, 2007), “This ability to hold back and defer immediate impulses and desires is the basis for our will power and self-control, as well as our capacity for empathy.” She suggests that a possible evolutionary reason why this part of the human brain develops after birth, and is therefore open to social influence, is so each new person can be moulded to fit his or her environment. So there will be fewer 'cuckoos in the nest', if you like. “In a sense, the human baby has to be invited to participate in human culture," she writes. "The first step in the process is to get the baby hooked on social interaction itself by making it highly pleasurable.” All this shouldn’t scare new parents into feeling guilty for being cranky or frustrated at times. That's life. What counts most are the experiences that are frequent and repeated, so as long as you are giving your baby positive looks most of the time that you interact with him or her, you have nothing to fear. If that is not the case and you're feeling overwhelmed and out of control, seek support from friends, family or an organisation such as Lifeline (telephone 13 11 15).