A few things to know about anger

If you want to take the sting out of the anger in your life, whether it's your own anger or somebody else's, first consider your beliefs about it.
Can you allow yourself and others to be angry, for example, or do you just want to run and hide? Do you have a strong value judgement about anger? Is it good, bad, harmful, ugly or just one of those things? If you view anger as a bad thing, and yourself as "bad" for expressing it (and who told you that, by the way?), it's going to be more of a problem than it needs to be.
Many of us shy away from anger, even fear it. Think back to your earliest memory of experiencing it. As children, the anger we expressed was most likely crushed from a great height by those towering grown-ups who fed us ("Don't raise your voice at me!"). Yet they expressed it, and that could be very scary.
Due to the sponge-like ability of children to absorb the feelings crackling in the air around them, our parents' anger sometimes lodged in our very cells. In future times of dispute or raised voices, we recall these fears like a warning and deal with anger in much the same way as we did back then. This is why we can feel very small and vulnerable when faced with anger. We back off, change the subject, pretend it didn't happen, cry, get angry in return, and so on, none of it very productive.
Yet just like fear, love, sadness, shame and joy, anger is a normal human emotion felt by everyone at some time, and it has a protective purpose. Anger is a signal that you are feeling under threat, and it's a reasonable response.
It's reasonable, for example, to feel angry if someone belittles you or if your partner lies to you or if a careless driver rams your car. 'Own it', as they say. It's not up to anyone else to tell you whether or not you can be angry. You are. How you act on it is another question entirely.
[Before you go any further, let me be clear that here I'm solely talking about anger where no physical violence or threat of violence is involved. My point of view is that violence is never okay.]
Ideally, you'll be able to find a way to step aside from the situation. Just notice that red-hot anger surfacing and walk away, breathe deeply and count to 20. Still there? Keep walking, maybe around the block.
If it's other people's anger you're facing, try to put up a mental shield that says, "You're angry and that's okay. It's your anger; I don't have to take it on." You could even visualise a shield as in the form of a mirror on your forehead reflecting the anger back to its owner. Now you have created a boundary that distinguishes between the other person's 'stuff' and your own.
With regard to your own anger, your aim is to express it assertively rather than aggressively, in a way that serves you well and doesn't leave you feeling worse than before. By being assertive, you're more likely to get your point across, and that will help to defuse your anger. By speaking up clearly, you're not denying your anger and you're respecting your own feelings and rights.
To do this well, it's best to refrain from using words like "never" and "always" (for example, "You never help me, you're always somewhere else") and to name the feelings you're experiencing. Start sentences with "I" to take responsibility for your feelings - for example, "I feel hurt and let down that you don't consider me more often"; "I'm sad because I miss what we used to have"; "I feel angry because I feel left out".
Anger is sometimes used to mask other feelings. For men in particular, it can mask sadness and fear. In terms of social conditioning, men have traditionally had more permission to express anger than women, so it can become their default emotion, disguising something they're less comfortable to express. The opposite applies to women.
Something many people don't realise is that anger is often a component of grief. It can be very confusing to find yourself feeling angry with your dearly departed (who has gone and left you, dammit), but it is common and normal and doesn't mean you don't love them deeply just the same.
Seeing your anger for what it is and acquiring new ways of dealing with it will help you to change the tendency we all have to pass our anger along a chain to others, creating a domino effect. You know, when someone at work tells you off during the day, then you lose your temper with your partner at home in the evening, and later your child throws a tantrum when it's time for bed. The benefits of finding a new way, for you and those around you, are obvious.

(c) Carolyn Parfitt