Guilt. How much of it are you carrying around, and how is that working for you?
Not everyone feels guilty, of course. Sometimes it seems that the people who don't feel guilty are the ones who possibly should (if anyone should), while the ones who do shouldn't.
Modern mothers feel a huge amount of guilt, especially single mothers. It's something they rarely talk about, but I know from counselling several single mothers that they often feel guilty for not giving their children the traditional two-parent family. As if it's their fault. That's on top of the usual mothers' guilt about not spending enough time with their children, their work, or their partners, friends and parents. Talk about being hard on yourself.
Many of us live with a constant low-level guilt because we feel we should be doing things better.
Be careful when you hear yourself using that word, "should". Try to avoid it - it's like a cane with which to beat yourself. Next time ask yourself whose voice that is in your head. Who says you should exercise more, spend less, have a tidier home, be more disciplined, telephone your parents more often, supervise your children's homework more, help out at the school, work longer hours, earn more money, do any of these things?
You might think you are the one waving a finger at yourself, but it's often the case that you have simply absorbed these injunctions from your parents from a very early age. Their admonishments have become your admonishments. Now you judge yourself as lazy, extravagant, bad, untidy, selfish - that is, in some way unsuccessful and basically just not good enough. (As American humorist Erma Bombeck once said, "Guilt - the gift that keeps on giving.")
Even the best of parents will engender some of these feelings simply because their job is to teach their children how to be safe and how to get along in society, which requires a fair bit of correction and use of the word "don't". Children with more sensitive natures will be more inclined to take such admonishments to heart.
Some parents are masters of manipulation through guilt, and little children are particularly susceptible. Excellent at adapting to their environment, they soon learn what pleases their parents and what doesn't, and will use this knowledge to survive and get the love, affection and recognition they need. Later they will use it as a means of rebellion, a normal part of their paths to independence.
Parents aren't the only source of engendered guilt. Messages and images in the media can also play a part. Just look at all those perfect families in ads for just about anything.
The sort of guilt I have been describing is not helpful or nurturing. It chips away at your self-respect and overshadows your many good qualities. It's not fair and it's definitely not kind. Being aware of it is the first step in diminishing its power. The next step is to be compassionate towards yourself and let guilt go. Don't give any air to any thoughts connected to it. Just notice it and say, "Ah, you again, guilty feeling. I don't need you today, goodbye."
Another type of guilt needs attention of a different sort - that is, when you really have done something you believe is wrong or hurtful.
Walking around under the burden of a guilty secret can damage your self-esteem, colour your world and interfere with your relationships. Somehow you need to find forgiveness for yourself.
This might mean 'fessing up to the injured party, or, if that is too dangerous and likely to be destructive, at least talk with a therapist and tell the truth at last. You might just find this takes some of the weight out of the secret and helps you to accept yourself more.
On the other hand, if it is safe to tell someone you're sorry for what you have done, you stand to gain their understanding and acceptance and a deeper, richer relationship as a result. You also give them the opportunity to forgive you, which can free them too.
We all make mistakes. Living in guilt for something you did in the past and cannot change is no way to make the most of life now.
(c) Carolyn Parfitt
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